How Many Cameras Are On You?

I can't even decide where to start. It's been quite a few weeks since I've updated. First let me say sorry to all my lovely blog-amigos that I've been neglecting. Secondly, a sorry to Marbear who has been rocking the Fall Focus while I've been ignoring the emails!

Now, to tonight. There's a "Friends" episode where the whole gang is around the TV watching an old home video of "Fat Monica." When someone comments about Monica's (Courtney Cox's) weight she quickly says, "the camera adds ten pounds." Only to be shot down by Chandler saying, "How many cameras were on you?"

Well, that's what I was asking myself after the 11 p.m. show, watching how it went. It seriously looked like the buttons on my blazer were about to pop off. I'm simply mortified. To make it worse, yes looking too big for your clothes can be worse - during the show there was a story about dieting and I adlibbed, "I'm just glad I don't have to give up my chocolate." I'm sure viewers were looking at me thinking, "Ummm... it's time to give that chocolate up."

But in my real world - yes, I need to give chocolate up. My husband is still in Las Vegas. So I keep finding myself drowning my stress, sorrows, and all emotion into a bag of Halloween chocolates. Tonight, it's cheese and crackers.

I have to get back on the band-wagon. To do that, all I can do is start with goals.

1. Eat less than 1800 calories a day
2. Only eat when I'm hungry
3. Eat plenty of fruits and veggies
4. Exercise 5 times a week

Triumph Over a Tub of Ice Cream

My days have been pretty much the same over the last week - snacking until I feel like I'm going to explode. Today it was the same old story. After lunch I grabbed a Klondike bar. It was good, but not crunchy and salty. For my crunchy/salty fix I needed something else. I returned to the cabinet for Doritos. After one lunch-sized bag I grabbed a second. My start-over day, my Monday was on the verge of turning into another binge-day.

So naturally, I returned to the kitchen with my mind full of thoughts of ice cream, caramel and chocolate sauce. I grabbed the tub of ice cream and put it on the counter. I then opened the fridge to grab the caramel on the bottom shelf. As I reached down something stopped me. [press play on clip below for soundtrack of the next moment... story continues below]



... something stronger than the urge to binge stopped me as I reached for the caramel. I dropped my arm, stood back up and turned toward the menacing ice cream. I grabbed it, but this time without the intention of eating it. Just as quickly as my day had turned upside down I threw the tub back into the freezer, tipping it as it fell over on top of the frozen steaks. I have defeated the ice cream, for now.  I can do this and not even some not-so-great ice cream can stop me.

Have you had a dun-dun-dun-duuunnnn moment recently?  Please tell me - I need all the inspiring power-moment stories I can get!

Stress-Free To-Dos

My world seems to be spiraling out of control - well, not my entire world.  My half-marathon training is going perfectly.  Every time I hit the pavement I surprise myself, running 4 miles last weekend!  My time is getting faster and faster each time - I'm at an 11 minute-mile.

Now, here's where my world starts crumbling - the kitchen.  As I run faster, I begin throwing food in my mouth faster.  The story in the kitchen is pretty unfortunate.  I can't stay out - just eating anything and everything I can get my hands on; ice cream, Cheetos, crackers, pudding, chocolate - anything.

I've been trying to figure out why I am letting my diet get out of control.  The winner, STRESS.  I am so stressed out by my job, cooking, cleaning, getting sleep, sending out resumes... the list goes on.

A close second place, I'm afraid of being skinny.  Because I am burning so many calories with my half-marathon training my brain has apparently decided to overeat to make sure I don't lose weight.  Last week I ran a total of 10 miles and cross-trained for another hour, but somehow I gained almost 2 pounds.  Of course when I say 'somehow' I mean... by eating ice cream, cheetos and crackers.

Last month I wrote about my chocolate escape - eating to escape the reality of life.  A lot of my wonderful blog readers supporters urged me to write a list of things I could do instead of binging.  I did just that!

When something other than hunger sends me to the kitchen I will look at my 'Stress-Free To-Do' list instead.
1. write
2. dance
3. take a walk, at least to the mailbox
4. get out of the house
5. head to the gym
6. read
7. bubble bath
8. scrapbook
9. organize something

A Milestone

This weekend I celebrated a huge milestone with my husband's sponsor.  My husband's sponsor has been off drugs and alcohol for 8 years.  The celebration was awesome.  It started at an NA (narcotics anonymous) meeting where everyone sang their praises.  Next dozens of people filled a small Mexican restaurant to celebrate his "birthday."

Since the celebration I've been thinking, I want my own celebration. I want my own "birthday."  What would it feel like to rid myself of this addiction, to be clean for eight years?  I can only imagine.  I've never gone eight years without binging.  Now is the time, today is the day. 

Starting on August 23rd, 2010 I will no longer binge.  I'm taking this one day at a time, one moment at a time.  If my husband can give up pain pills for +6 months and his sponsor can give up his drugs for 8 years then I can surely give up over-eating.

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Now, to the bad news.  I gained three pounds this week.  I kind of just threw the week.  One day of binging turned into two days, two days turned into three, and before I knew it my entire week was a binge.  It was pretty upsetting.  I learned a lot though and I am ready to look forward.

As far as my goals - just know, I didn't keep one of them.
These are my goals for this week:
1. Stop obsessing about weight.  I may wait to weigh myself again until the final Summer challenge weigh in.
2. Follow the half-marathon training plan.  (one day down, just six to go)
3. Write down everything I eat
4. Don't weigh myself this week
5. Do not binge

Chocolate Escape

No stress, no work, no chores, no errands.  It's just me, the chocolate, and Bachelor Pad.  I sat in front of my TV Tuesday afternoon popping a dozen peanut butter-chocolate snacks my husband had made.  One after the other I devoured them.  When I started asking myself "Why am I doing this?"  I couldn't come up with an answer - so I continued the binge.

When I was done my stomach hurt, but still no answer.  About 30 minutes later, my chocolate coma ended...  I couldn't breathe.  I was having an anxiety attack.  My heart was beating out of my chest, I had to lean up against the wall and slide to the floor where I sat taking deep breaths.

My chocolate stupor was over, my 'high' had faded - and now only the truth was left - my anxiety.  This all has to do with work.  I've been feeling stressed because I literally have two hours of free time a day - and only a small portion of that is time I can spend with my husband.

When I was high/drunk/strung out on chocolate - whatever you want to call it - I didn't have to worry about those things.  I used chocolate as a drug on Tuesday, the same way my husband used his Lortabs.  After he went into rehab for his addiction, he confessed to me that his addiction all started with anixety.  He said the pills gave him confidence to sell cars.  He was able to go out on a limb, be in front of people, and forget the uneasiness he had felt before the pills.

I'm upset I let this happen to myself.  I'm upset my binge-free days are back down to zero.  At this point all I can do is learn from the experience.  I need to deal with anxiety in a more constructive way.  Before I stuffed my face with chocolate I didn't even realize I was anxious.  That's why I need to come up with a way to combat my work-related anxiety before it comes up again.  I need to make time for myself, time for me to at least think I'm spending my life doing more than just sleeping and working.

Any suggestions?  Is there something I can do that's just for me - something to keep me from chasing my chocolate high?

Two is Better Than One Three

Taste has little to do with binging.  Yes, it may start out as an innocent bite of something delicious, but after dozens of bites it turns into ravaging-animalistic quest to eat the most, the quickest.

Binging turns my favorite ice cream, chocolate or chips into a drug to numb my feelings.  It's actually quite disgusting/embarrassing when I think about it - I go from taking a bite of something to throwing it into my mouth as fast as possible.  It's all about leaving no crumbs behind.  There's no thought process involved, just munching to munch.  It's a blind attempt to fill my stomach as fast as possible.

This happened to me today, well, kind of.  When I got home from work and running errands I was starving (that's the first sign that something bad will happen when I walk into the kitchen).  While making lunch I opened the fridge to find leftover cupcakes - not your average cupcake, homemade lemon cupcakes filled with lemon curd and topped with lemon frosting.  I can't deny that the flavor of these things is divine - probably one of the best treats I've ever had.  That's why I grabbed one while making lunch.  I enjoyed every bite of lemony goodness.  When I was done I should have been able to be content - that taste had made an appearance in my day and that should have been enough.  But, I'm obsessed with food - so I don't know what would make me think I could stop eating on this particular day with this particular food.

I grabbed a second cupcake.  This one did not taste as good.  I ate it in the same way you've see lions going at a wildebeest on the discovery channel - no mercy.  I tore that thing apart pretty good - within seconds it was gone devoured.

I reached into the fridge for a third cupcake.  Finally, the voice in my head woke up and started talking, telling me to back away from the treats.  I followed orders and ate lunch instead.

After lunch, you will not believe this, my first thought was cupcake.  (yeah, it wasn't even a full sentence.  Just caveman-like "cupcake.")  I was stuffed - two cupcakes and a full lunch doesn't leave a lot of room for more food.

I considered my options:
1) eat another cupcake
2) don't eat another cupcake

I considered how each option would play out:
1) by my binging standards I should definitely eat another one, but I already didn't feel good.  I am stuffed and adding another 300 calorie cupcake won't help the matter.  Will the cupcake even taste good, will those calories be worth it if I'm just throwing it down my throat?
2) if I don't eat a third the worst case scenario would be that I could have one tomorrow.  By tomorrow I won't be stuffed, I can actually enjoy the sugary treasure.

Obviously the worst case scenario of the 2nd option was really not that bad.  I took number two up on it's offer.  I finished my day without adding a third cupcake to my log of calories.

Could an epiphany been nice before I got to the second cupcake?  Yeah, but at least it came.  I was able to walk away without feeling (too) stuffed.

My goal for next time - one is enough.  One is better than two.  But for today, because after all I'm a work in progress - two will have to be better than three!  I'm counting this as a victory.

Living Life Moment

Today I had to go to the DMV.  Instead of complaining I explained to my friend that I was thrilled to be there because my husband's car finally passed emissions.  I was also very nice and talkative to the woman at the counter.  A typically bad experience was a much better one instead!

Crackers Don't Fix Problems (and neither does cheese)

Instead of writing yesterday, I decided to snack - four cheese wedges and a dozen crackers.  Of course during my mini-binge I was thinking about what I was doing.  Cracker after cracker - I couldn't stop.  I just kept spreading on the cheese and devouring the crackers.  Why?  Last week I had a near perfect week - I stayed within my calories each day and had a great weight loss.  Why couldn't I stop myself yesterday?

Today I'm looking back, because hindsight is 20/20 I have a better idea of what I was thinking.

First of all, I weighed myself when I got home from work.  I was back at my last week's weight.  Well, duh.  I weighed myself in the middle of the afternoon - what could I have possibly expected?  (Hence the stupid goal not to weigh myself.  I think I'm going to talk my husband into hiding the scale).

Second, my work day was awful.  It was a breakdown kind of day.  In fact, at one point I almost started crying.  The 2 1/2 hour show I write for is losing more than half of its staff - meaning my job is turning into three jobs on August 4th.  Plus, my weeks are going to turn into 6, 10+ hour days.  I've known about this for a week or so, but yesterday during a series of meetings it really hit me - I am losing my life to a job I marginally like.

Third, anxiety.  I was feeling really anxious about my blog design.  I hadn't talked to my designer that day.  I was just anxious wondering when would it be done, when could I show it off.

It's really obvious that all these things played a role in my cracker frenzy.  Luckily I went for these crackers and not the pie sitting in my fridge.  I added an extra 300 calories to my diet that day, but my life's not over.  I'm dusting myself off (literally, there were cracker crumbs everywhere) and getting back up for the next leg of the weightloss road.

The crackers didn't solve one problem.  The only thing in my life it put a dent in was, well, the package of crackers.  There's still 4-6 weeks (my news director's estimation, so really 4-6 months) of stress ahead of me.  Since self-medicating with crackers isn't helping in the least, I'm making a game plan.

When stress kicks in I will:
-yoga/dance/run
-watch a movie/read a book
-sleep (I know running away from my feelings, but it's better than drowning my stress in ice cream!)
-talk my husband into taking a walk
-take a bath with the works

Any other stress-releaving ideas - ways to escape?  I'm gonna need it - I already need it!

The Pie.

I'm about a dozen feet away from the most delicious pie I've ever tasted. There are four slices left, an estimated 2,760 calories. And guess who's guilty of putting the pie in the fridge? Me! I did it.

For the last week or so my husband has been bugging me to make a Marie Callender's pie from a copycat recipe my friend found online. Last week I decided I would make the pie on Monday to celebrate his 6 months clean (yay!).

All week long I've been prepping myself for the temptation. I decided I would eat one slice and let the leftovers sit in my fridge untouched! Yesterday was the day I had prepared myself for. I made the pie without licking the spoon or the bowel. I let the pie sit in the fridge for a full 4 hours before helping myself. I cut the pie into 6 even slices and slowly enjoyed every bite. Now, the hardest part - avoiding the temptation to eat the remaining four slices. So far, so good.

The slice I had last night was sinfully delicious and well worth it - now I'm trying to teach my body that it was enough. I didn't feel guilty when I ate the piece of pie last night. It's okay to eat a slice of pie, it's not okay to eat an entire pie. I want to know that anytime I want a single slice of pie I can have it. I just need to figure out how to only want pie (and other goodies) just once in awhile.

Now, I need to tell you about this pie. My husband and I discovered it at Marie Callender's two weeks ago. In a matter of four days we ate two full pies. I didn't think much of our pie binge until I told my friend about the delicious dessert. She found the aforementioned recipe and made her own.

This is the really crazy part - the day after our conversation she told me she made the pie. I immediately asked her if it was good. She told me she hadn't tasted it yet! What?! She seriously let an entire chocolate pie with Oreo crust sit in her fridge for more than one hour. She explained that it had to be refrigerated for 4 hours, but still, I have been known to eat things way before they're done cooling.

Now this story gets even more bizarre. The next day she brought more than half of the pie into work. She gave the leftover pieces to our co-workers. My jaw dropped. This pie sat in her fridge for more than 48 hours and she managed to eat less than half. I remembered asking myself, Why can't that be me? Why can't I do that?

Well, I want to do that. I want to be unaffected by food. I want to know something's delicious, but not feel like I must have it immediately. This is a great step - I went a week without making it, then I only ate one slice, and now I'm not even feeling like grabbing a slice. I hope this will help me mend my relationship with food. Stupid pie.

Day 8 - LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

It's day 8 of my 60-Day Challenge. So far, I'm doing pretty good. I went on vacation and got a visit from "mother nature" - meaning exercising went out the window. However, I did not go over my calories any of the days.

Today - I'm being haunted by chocolate. Hence the title of this blog post, "leave me alone." Chocolate is everywhere I go, everywhere.

When my husband first went into NA (Narcotics Anonymous) I went to a few outpatient meetings. I remember feeling so bad for the alcoholics in the meetings. My husband and I had dozens of conversations about how he was lucky that he wasn't an alcoholic. Alcohol is 1 - everywhere and 2 - socially acceptable (and sometimes it even seems socially required). Alcohol is used in business and pleasure. One girl in the meetings was a young professional - hooked on alcohol. She would talk about how she wanted to go on a work retreat to the wine country and wanted to hang out with clients and colleagues at the bar. She quickly followed that with the admission that she didn't drink like a wine connoisseur, but instead downed full bottles of vodka in her bedroom.

I think I felt so much emotion for these alcoholics because I identified with them. I understood what it's like to have my drug of choice everywhere.

Today I went to the grocery store. My goal - no junk food. I went aisle through aisle, choosing fruits and whole wheat pasta. In the ice cream aisle I stared longingly at Ben & Jerry's and then chocolate chip cookie sandwiches (the same culprit that made me gain the Freshman 30). At that moment I could be strong, I grabbed some fruit popsicles and moved on.

Then - DOVE chocolates. I pictured myself going home, downing the whole bag. Another strong moment, I moved on.

If only that was the end. Headed to the checkout I saw smaller bags of DOVE chocolates sitting on an end cap. Again, I actually had to talk myself through it, tell myself I would not be buying them.

As if that's not enough. Then I had to stand in a checkout line for at least 10 minutes starring at the new MnM's with Pretzels.

I walked out of the Walmart with no chocolate treats. A little accomplishment that was not easy. Eacill h time I saw something high in calories and totally bad for me - I had to tell myself why I wasn't going to buy it. I had to tell myself I would not be able to eat just one or two. Today was especially hard for me. I cannot believe I had that much will power to say no over and over again. But I'm glad I did. Now I'm sitting at home surrounded by only healthy food. That means it will be a bigger deal when I do want chocolate - I'll have to get in my car, drive to the store, buy only chocolate - making it more unlikely that I'll do it.

Saying No

I usually work 12:00 a.m. to 10 a.m. writing news for T.V. This afternoon, before going to bed I checked my voice mail. - a message from my direct boss. He was asking me to come in tomorrow from 10 a.m. to 11:30 p.m. instead. The only problem - I legitimately cannot do it.

Tomorrow is my only day to get a major task done. I can't on Sunday because the place I have to go will be closed and by Monday it will be too late.

My response to the voice mail - anger, anger that he would expect me to change my plans for his at last minute. sadness, sadness because I can't do it. helplessness, because I feel like I'm supposed, like I have to.

I felt so bad that I could not do it. It's not my fault I can't do it - I have things I have to do outside of work. I don't work on-call, I can't be prepared to go into work at any moment of the day. Why do I feel so bad? I feel awful - like I've caused this huge problem because I can't change my entire day.

The only reason I'm blogging about this now is because of Oprah. Of course, Oprah. A couple of weeks ago her show was dedicated to the book Women, Food, and God. During the course of the interview, Oprah admitted to feeling the need to eat after saying 'no' to someone. She connected the feeling to her relationship with her dad as a child, never wanting to disappoint him. I thought nothing of it at the time - not until I had the similar urge to eat today. I felt so guilty for saying no. I felt like I had done something wrong. I hate letting people down (whether or not they care about me).

Unlike Oprah, I don't think my issue with saying no stems from a desire to please my dad. I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm obsessed with being perfect. I want to be some kind of superwoman, flying around fixing everyone's problems and writing their newscasts. If saying no makes me not perfect, how about I do something else that makes me not perfect -- eat.

Let the Binging Begin..

Today I was trying to remember where my binge-eating began. It started way after I developed an unhealthy relationship with food.

There are a handful of minor binges, before the real problem began. My first binge happened freshman year of high school. I wouldn't even really call it binge eating because it doesn't even come close to what I did later. My first intentional binge came before weighing in at my first Weight Watchers meeting. I scarfed down two drumstick ice cream cones... but just wait.

It wasn't until two summers later that I began a spiral that would last another six years. That summer I started the Atkins diet. It was such a success - the first week I lost several pounds. I made it to 145 pounds before my senior year of high school started.

If you're reading this you've probably tried every diet imaginable like myself - so you know how Atkins works. Basically, you have to get to ketosis, the stage where your body burns fat for fuel. It takes about two to three days of eating nothing but proteins to get there.

A couple months into my senior year I discovered I could eat a carb here and there and rebound with a quick trip to Ketosis. But then - came one of the worst habit-forming discoveries yet. On Friday nights, after cheering for our football team I could eat anything I saw and gain about 5 pounds. The next day I could continue eating everything, to gain a total of 10 pounds. When Sunday rolled around, I would re-start Atkins, get into Ketosis by Tuesday or Wednesday and lose the 10 pounds by Friday (the next time I had to get into my cheerleading outfit).

I don't think I've ever admitted this - to anyone. I'm still not really admitting it on this anonymous blog - but I did that every. single. week. Ten pounds up, ten pounds down.

Eventually the eating got out of control. When the weekend rolled around I went to the grocery store and blew up to $50 on junk food, food I planned to eat the moment I made it to my car. When I drove out of the grocery store parking lot I even stopped by the Wendy's to grab an order of fries.

Of the several days I did this - I remember one in particular. I stopped by a park on my way home. There I sat in my car and began unloading my grocery bag:

-French Bread
-Donuts
-Fried Chicken
-Potato Wedges
-Doritos
-Pre-made Cookie Dough
-Ben & Jerry's Half Baked Ice Cream
-Wendy's french fries

I sat in my car eating, eating, and eating. Sometimes when I did this I would cry, but not this time. I just ate. I didn't think about how each thing tasted. In fact, I don't even like donuts. I just stuffed it down my mouth like I was the garbage disposal in my kitchen. I just sat there, eating, void of emotion. There was nothing wrong. I was just eating.

I finished with everything I could possibly stuff down my throat and threw the evidence leftovers away. That's when it hit me I had eaten thousands of calories, thousands. But the best part - I had something new to worry about, not what was going on in my life - but the calories I had just consumed.

I've always been outspoken about alcoholism... and have always found it easy to criticize people who "drink their sorrows away" and people who "run away from their problems by drinking." Now I realize, I was doing that -- just without the alcohol. I was doing that with food.

It's been quite some time since I've had a binge like that one. Now they're smaller - they usually consist of a bag of Dove chocolates and another bag of Reese's Peanut Butter cups. Does the fact that it's smaller make it okay? Absolutely not. I'm working on it. I think admitting I have a problem specifically with binging is the first step.

First step - check.