Crackers Don't Fix Problems (and neither does cheese)

Instead of writing yesterday, I decided to snack - four cheese wedges and a dozen crackers.  Of course during my mini-binge I was thinking about what I was doing.  Cracker after cracker - I couldn't stop.  I just kept spreading on the cheese and devouring the crackers.  Why?  Last week I had a near perfect week - I stayed within my calories each day and had a great weight loss.  Why couldn't I stop myself yesterday?

Today I'm looking back, because hindsight is 20/20 I have a better idea of what I was thinking.

First of all, I weighed myself when I got home from work.  I was back at my last week's weight.  Well, duh.  I weighed myself in the middle of the afternoon - what could I have possibly expected?  (Hence the stupid goal not to weigh myself.  I think I'm going to talk my husband into hiding the scale).

Second, my work day was awful.  It was a breakdown kind of day.  In fact, at one point I almost started crying.  The 2 1/2 hour show I write for is losing more than half of its staff - meaning my job is turning into three jobs on August 4th.  Plus, my weeks are going to turn into 6, 10+ hour days.  I've known about this for a week or so, but yesterday during a series of meetings it really hit me - I am losing my life to a job I marginally like.

Third, anxiety.  I was feeling really anxious about my blog design.  I hadn't talked to my designer that day.  I was just anxious wondering when would it be done, when could I show it off.

It's really obvious that all these things played a role in my cracker frenzy.  Luckily I went for these crackers and not the pie sitting in my fridge.  I added an extra 300 calories to my diet that day, but my life's not over.  I'm dusting myself off (literally, there were cracker crumbs everywhere) and getting back up for the next leg of the weightloss road.

The crackers didn't solve one problem.  The only thing in my life it put a dent in was, well, the package of crackers.  There's still 4-6 weeks (my news director's estimation, so really 4-6 months) of stress ahead of me.  Since self-medicating with crackers isn't helping in the least, I'm making a game plan.

When stress kicks in I will:
-yoga/dance/run
-watch a movie/read a book
-sleep (I know running away from my feelings, but it's better than drowning my stress in ice cream!)
-talk my husband into taking a walk
-take a bath with the works

Any other stress-releaving ideas - ways to escape?  I'm gonna need it - I already need it!

Crampin' My Style

I usually know something's a problem when my husband notices it - this falls into that category.

A couple weeks ago I was complaining about, yes, the 20 pounds I want to lose when my husband interjected something along the lines of, "You throw all of your hard work away during a few days every month." I instantly knew he was talking about the week of my lovely visitor, "Mother Nature." I was kind of taken aback that he realized my calorie intake went so far up during the week of my period. I probably gain around 5 pounds during this awful week! It's hard though - and most of you probably understand - the cravings, the cramps - how do I not skip the gym and grab some chocolate? That's not a rhetorical question - seriously, how do I not skip the gym and grab some chocolate?

This week, the week, I'm trying to stay focused on my goals and not on my pain. On day three I've done pretty good- with eating well each day and exercising yesterday.

Usually, I grab a bag of DOVE chocolates the instant I feel any kind of pain. This week I'm realizing those DOVE chocolates don't actually help anything. In fact, most of the time I don't think I'm actually having a craving as I am making an excuse to eat poorly. I mean, seriously, does pizza really help anything?

As far as the exercise goes - this week I decided I would be easy on myself. Yesterday I went to the gym with the intention of walking uphill on the treadmill. It went so well that I put in some sprints and jog intervals after a half hour. And I was fine! Usually I am just too sick to even get out of bed, but after yesterday's workout my cramps have been really moderate! I've heard rumors that exercise helps with cramps - but usually I'm too sick to test out the theory. Maybe there is truth to it (although I've been eating a ridiculous number of ibuprofen so it's hard to say).

Sorry Mother Nature, you're not crampin' my style this month!

Saying No

I usually work 12:00 a.m. to 10 a.m. writing news for T.V. This afternoon, before going to bed I checked my voice mail. - a message from my direct boss. He was asking me to come in tomorrow from 10 a.m. to 11:30 p.m. instead. The only problem - I legitimately cannot do it.

Tomorrow is my only day to get a major task done. I can't on Sunday because the place I have to go will be closed and by Monday it will be too late.

My response to the voice mail - anger, anger that he would expect me to change my plans for his at last minute. sadness, sadness because I can't do it. helplessness, because I feel like I'm supposed, like I have to.

I felt so bad that I could not do it. It's not my fault I can't do it - I have things I have to do outside of work. I don't work on-call, I can't be prepared to go into work at any moment of the day. Why do I feel so bad? I feel awful - like I've caused this huge problem because I can't change my entire day.

The only reason I'm blogging about this now is because of Oprah. Of course, Oprah. A couple of weeks ago her show was dedicated to the book Women, Food, and God. During the course of the interview, Oprah admitted to feeling the need to eat after saying 'no' to someone. She connected the feeling to her relationship with her dad as a child, never wanting to disappoint him. I thought nothing of it at the time - not until I had the similar urge to eat today. I felt so guilty for saying no. I felt like I had done something wrong. I hate letting people down (whether or not they care about me).

Unlike Oprah, I don't think my issue with saying no stems from a desire to please my dad. I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm obsessed with being perfect. I want to be some kind of superwoman, flying around fixing everyone's problems and writing their newscasts. If saying no makes me not perfect, how about I do something else that makes me not perfect -- eat.

Just 90 Minutes

When I get home I sit down on my couch with lunch and turn on my DVR. I watch about an hour of shows and will sometimes throw in a movie. When I'm done with my lunch I head to the kitchen to grab another snack. It's a vicious cycle that lasts the entire 2 1/2 hours of time in front of the TV.

I would even go so far to call my watching TV a "trigger" to using (in other words, eating). Addicts have triggers -- whether it be a smoker lighting up every time they get in their car or an alcoholic heading to the bar because of a stressful day.

Today I'm starting with a challenge to get through the entire movie I jut popped in the DVD player without food. To be completely honest, as I wrote that last sentence I thought about what was in the kitchen cupboards. It was just a flash in my brain that started with watching a movie and ended with my eating popcorn. But I can't give in today. I will beat this, at least for the next 90 minutes.