Crackers Don't Fix Problems (and neither does cheese)

Instead of writing yesterday, I decided to snack - four cheese wedges and a dozen crackers.  Of course during my mini-binge I was thinking about what I was doing.  Cracker after cracker - I couldn't stop.  I just kept spreading on the cheese and devouring the crackers.  Why?  Last week I had a near perfect week - I stayed within my calories each day and had a great weight loss.  Why couldn't I stop myself yesterday?

Today I'm looking back, because hindsight is 20/20 I have a better idea of what I was thinking.

First of all, I weighed myself when I got home from work.  I was back at my last week's weight.  Well, duh.  I weighed myself in the middle of the afternoon - what could I have possibly expected?  (Hence the stupid goal not to weigh myself.  I think I'm going to talk my husband into hiding the scale).

Second, my work day was awful.  It was a breakdown kind of day.  In fact, at one point I almost started crying.  The 2 1/2 hour show I write for is losing more than half of its staff - meaning my job is turning into three jobs on August 4th.  Plus, my weeks are going to turn into 6, 10+ hour days.  I've known about this for a week or so, but yesterday during a series of meetings it really hit me - I am losing my life to a job I marginally like.

Third, anxiety.  I was feeling really anxious about my blog design.  I hadn't talked to my designer that day.  I was just anxious wondering when would it be done, when could I show it off.

It's really obvious that all these things played a role in my cracker frenzy.  Luckily I went for these crackers and not the pie sitting in my fridge.  I added an extra 300 calories to my diet that day, but my life's not over.  I'm dusting myself off (literally, there were cracker crumbs everywhere) and getting back up for the next leg of the weightloss road.

The crackers didn't solve one problem.  The only thing in my life it put a dent in was, well, the package of crackers.  There's still 4-6 weeks (my news director's estimation, so really 4-6 months) of stress ahead of me.  Since self-medicating with crackers isn't helping in the least, I'm making a game plan.

When stress kicks in I will:
-yoga/dance/run
-watch a movie/read a book
-sleep (I know running away from my feelings, but it's better than drowning my stress in ice cream!)
-talk my husband into taking a walk
-take a bath with the works

Any other stress-releaving ideas - ways to escape?  I'm gonna need it - I already need it!

Crampin' My Style

I usually know something's a problem when my husband notices it - this falls into that category.

A couple weeks ago I was complaining about, yes, the 20 pounds I want to lose when my husband interjected something along the lines of, "You throw all of your hard work away during a few days every month." I instantly knew he was talking about the week of my lovely visitor, "Mother Nature." I was kind of taken aback that he realized my calorie intake went so far up during the week of my period. I probably gain around 5 pounds during this awful week! It's hard though - and most of you probably understand - the cravings, the cramps - how do I not skip the gym and grab some chocolate? That's not a rhetorical question - seriously, how do I not skip the gym and grab some chocolate?

This week, the week, I'm trying to stay focused on my goals and not on my pain. On day three I've done pretty good- with eating well each day and exercising yesterday.

Usually, I grab a bag of DOVE chocolates the instant I feel any kind of pain. This week I'm realizing those DOVE chocolates don't actually help anything. In fact, most of the time I don't think I'm actually having a craving as I am making an excuse to eat poorly. I mean, seriously, does pizza really help anything?

As far as the exercise goes - this week I decided I would be easy on myself. Yesterday I went to the gym with the intention of walking uphill on the treadmill. It went so well that I put in some sprints and jog intervals after a half hour. And I was fine! Usually I am just too sick to even get out of bed, but after yesterday's workout my cramps have been really moderate! I've heard rumors that exercise helps with cramps - but usually I'm too sick to test out the theory. Maybe there is truth to it (although I've been eating a ridiculous number of ibuprofen so it's hard to say).

Sorry Mother Nature, you're not crampin' my style this month!

The Pie: Part 2

I just wanted to follow up and say I have not eaten any pie. I keep telling myself that I can have pie anytime I want so it's not vital that I have it at this moment! So far it's working, and I'm not adding hundreds of calories in one sitting (but I will, at another time)!

By the way, here's the pie:

The Pie.

I'm about a dozen feet away from the most delicious pie I've ever tasted. There are four slices left, an estimated 2,760 calories. And guess who's guilty of putting the pie in the fridge? Me! I did it.

For the last week or so my husband has been bugging me to make a Marie Callender's pie from a copycat recipe my friend found online. Last week I decided I would make the pie on Monday to celebrate his 6 months clean (yay!).

All week long I've been prepping myself for the temptation. I decided I would eat one slice and let the leftovers sit in my fridge untouched! Yesterday was the day I had prepared myself for. I made the pie without licking the spoon or the bowel. I let the pie sit in the fridge for a full 4 hours before helping myself. I cut the pie into 6 even slices and slowly enjoyed every bite. Now, the hardest part - avoiding the temptation to eat the remaining four slices. So far, so good.

The slice I had last night was sinfully delicious and well worth it - now I'm trying to teach my body that it was enough. I didn't feel guilty when I ate the piece of pie last night. It's okay to eat a slice of pie, it's not okay to eat an entire pie. I want to know that anytime I want a single slice of pie I can have it. I just need to figure out how to only want pie (and other goodies) just once in awhile.

Now, I need to tell you about this pie. My husband and I discovered it at Marie Callender's two weeks ago. In a matter of four days we ate two full pies. I didn't think much of our pie binge until I told my friend about the delicious dessert. She found the aforementioned recipe and made her own.

This is the really crazy part - the day after our conversation she told me she made the pie. I immediately asked her if it was good. She told me she hadn't tasted it yet! What?! She seriously let an entire chocolate pie with Oreo crust sit in her fridge for more than one hour. She explained that it had to be refrigerated for 4 hours, but still, I have been known to eat things way before they're done cooling.

Now this story gets even more bizarre. The next day she brought more than half of the pie into work. She gave the leftover pieces to our co-workers. My jaw dropped. This pie sat in her fridge for more than 48 hours and she managed to eat less than half. I remembered asking myself, Why can't that be me? Why can't I do that?

Well, I want to do that. I want to be unaffected by food. I want to know something's delicious, but not feel like I must have it immediately. This is a great step - I went a week without making it, then I only ate one slice, and now I'm not even feeling like grabbing a slice. I hope this will help me mend my relationship with food. Stupid pie.

Calories, Vanity Weight & Jillian Michaels

Today I met Ali Vincent! For those of you who don't know, she's the first female winner of "The Biggest Loser." I absolutely love that show, and if you watch people go through a weight loss journey you really feel like they are part of your life.

Right when I met Ali I began picking her brain.

First - what in the world are they eating on "The Biggest Loser." I feel like I just can't master what to eat, when to eat it, how much of it to eat. Ali says she ate 1200 calories while on the ranch. (Keep in mind that she's 5'5). Now she eats up to 2500 calories because of her intense workouts and because she is no longer trying to lose weight.

BUT - no matter how many calories you choose to eat you should separate them this way. According to Ali, you should split your calories into 4 equal parts - use three of the sections for meals and the fourth section for pre and post workout snacks.

Oh and I have to tell you this tip - it's going to change my sister's life - "eating after 5 p.m. is crap." If you're working out after 5 p.m. there needs to be calories fuel for that workout.

As you all know, I'm trying to lose 20 pounds. She looked at me and said, "You look great, you look physically healthy - for you it's not about saving your life. It's about vanity weightloss." Oh the lovely "vanity weight." She said her last 20 pounds were the hardest. Thanks for the encouragement Ali. Really though, it got me thinking. I do want to weigh less, I want to look better in a swim suit, and I want to be able to pull off skinny jeans - so it makes sense, vanity. BUT I have such a bad relationship with food. My life may not be in trouble physically, but mentally I have something I need to work out. There's a reason I have food following me around taunting me.

Now to the gossip, well kind of. I asked her about Jillian Michael's new show "Losing It with Jillian." She told me she had a hard time watching it because it's so much in so little time. On The Biggest Loser Ranch they have months where they work with the trainers, on the Losing It show - they have one week. I asked, "I just don't get it, how can Jillian come in and all of a sudden they know how to lose weight?" Ali says they all get a lot of help - trainers, etc. It's good to know I'm just not missing something. Oh and she rolled her eyes at some point during this conversation, hmmm? I still love Jillian Michael's show!

All in all, Ali is a sweetheart. She was very nice to my co-workers and I. It was a great to meet someone who inspired me (and America) while changing her own life!

Now I just need a nice long chat (no yelling) with Jillian.

It's Just a Kiss

Just days after my last post (which, by the way I promise to be better about posting) I had started a new diet. It was going to be the time that I quit eating chocolate (among other things.)

On day 2 of my new diet, I was walking from the morning meeting at work when a co-worker offered me a chocolate kiss. I turned the offer down. That's when one of my good friends said, "It's just a kiss." Hmm -- yeah, but...

I am so addicted to food... for me "just a kiss" is like just a drink or just a hit.

One of the people I met in IOP - intensive outpatient - told the group she couldn't imagine not drinking ever again. She said her main goal was to stop drinking as a form of therapy, instead to only drink during social events.

I feel like that, except for with chocolate. How am I ever supposed to give chocolate up? I know in theory I should be able to eat just a kiss and move on with my day. For some reason I can't. For some reason if I eat just a kiss I need a bag of kisses, then I need chips, then I need a cake.

I have no control - and until I gain control I need to quit kisses.