Excuses, excuses

Let's face it - I'm good at cravings. I'm even better at writing binges off as "cravings." It's part of the food addiction... mentally justifying binges.

I haven't done that for months. Insert roadblock here. [Pregnancy]

Pregnant cravings are something I've always heard of - you hear the stories of pickles and ice cream, my cousin swears she had to have hot Cheetos everyday. Recently, those "cravings" I once had during my stints of extreme dieting have been coming back. It's like back when I wanted donuts while I was on a no-carb diet or I wanted frosting and teddy grams when I was doing low-calorie. They're not real cravings.

It's hard to explain. I guess it feels like I'm starting a diet tomorrow, and right now is my one chance to eat whatever I want and use the excuse that it's the very last day I'm eating poorly. Now, I feel like my unhealthy, addicted mind is telling me "You have an excuse - eat whatever you want!" I don't want to get back in that vicious cycle. Instead, I want to clear my mind of the bad habits I made in high school and have since broken.

I want my baby to be healthy and I want to be a healthy mom - both physically and mentally. That doesn't start tomorrow (like my past diets), it doesn't even start now, it started yesterday (or months ago when I started this blog) when I made the conscious decision to get healthy.

Even though it feels like I'm erasing my recent hard work because I'm gaining weight - I don't have to forget the progress I've made mentally. I don't have to forget how to eat well and I can keep saying no to drugs food.

Growing Belly, Growing Goals

My entire life (or what seems like it) I've battled the scale - it's always about losing weight.

Now, all of a sudden, I have to be able to gain weight and be okay with it. The number on the scale is slowly increasing - 157, 158.9, 160.4. Depending on the day, I've gained 3-5 pounds since getting pregnant.

That 3-5 pounds is showing. I swear it's all packed on to my stomach. That's because I eat carbs morning, noon, and night to fight the so-called "baby barfs." Carbs go right to the stomach - the ever-growing stomach.

My goal for the first trimester is to only gain 5 pounds. That means I need to maintain my weight for the next four weeks. I don't even know if that's possible - I've never done this before!

To do that, I'm setting these smalls goals:
- Stay away from empty calories
- Try eating fruit when I can stomach it, instead of crackers & bread
- Work-out for 30 min. each weekday

What else can I do? I'm feeling lost and confused in this new world of pregnancy and weight-gain/maintain.

A Tiny Heartbeat

There's a tiny heartbeat inside of me, beating 163 times a minute. The other heart in my body, to the north of that one is so, so, so in love.

That's my way of saying I'm having a baby!!

I am 8 weeks, 6 days along. This time last week, for the first time, I saw my sweet little raspberry-sized baby living inside of me. I saw it's heart beating, I saw it's little nub arms and legs. I love that tiny little thing (even though it's kind of a brat..making me feel sick all day long).

With all the joy I have, I have so much anxiety about weight-gain. Right now I'm about 10 pounds over my weight goal. It's kind of hard to know I won't be back here for a good eight months. Don't get me wrong - I am thrilled that I'll be gaining weight for the most productive thing of my life, starting my little family!

My blog may be taking kind of a turn as I try to deal with pregnancy and weight gain, instead of weight loss. Yikes, but yay!