Excuses, excuses

Let's face it - I'm good at cravings. I'm even better at writing binges off as "cravings." It's part of the food addiction... mentally justifying binges.

I haven't done that for months. Insert roadblock here. [Pregnancy]

Pregnant cravings are something I've always heard of - you hear the stories of pickles and ice cream, my cousin swears she had to have hot Cheetos everyday. Recently, those "cravings" I once had during my stints of extreme dieting have been coming back. It's like back when I wanted donuts while I was on a no-carb diet or I wanted frosting and teddy grams when I was doing low-calorie. They're not real cravings.

It's hard to explain. I guess it feels like I'm starting a diet tomorrow, and right now is my one chance to eat whatever I want and use the excuse that it's the very last day I'm eating poorly. Now, I feel like my unhealthy, addicted mind is telling me "You have an excuse - eat whatever you want!" I don't want to get back in that vicious cycle. Instead, I want to clear my mind of the bad habits I made in high school and have since broken.

I want my baby to be healthy and I want to be a healthy mom - both physically and mentally. That doesn't start tomorrow (like my past diets), it doesn't even start now, it started yesterday (or months ago when I started this blog) when I made the conscious decision to get healthy.

Even though it feels like I'm erasing my recent hard work because I'm gaining weight - I don't have to forget the progress I've made mentally. I don't have to forget how to eat well and I can keep saying no to drugs food.

Growing Belly, Growing Goals

My entire life (or what seems like it) I've battled the scale - it's always about losing weight.

Now, all of a sudden, I have to be able to gain weight and be okay with it. The number on the scale is slowly increasing - 157, 158.9, 160.4. Depending on the day, I've gained 3-5 pounds since getting pregnant.

That 3-5 pounds is showing. I swear it's all packed on to my stomach. That's because I eat carbs morning, noon, and night to fight the so-called "baby barfs." Carbs go right to the stomach - the ever-growing stomach.

My goal for the first trimester is to only gain 5 pounds. That means I need to maintain my weight for the next four weeks. I don't even know if that's possible - I've never done this before!

To do that, I'm setting these smalls goals:
- Stay away from empty calories
- Try eating fruit when I can stomach it, instead of crackers & bread
- Work-out for 30 min. each weekday

What else can I do? I'm feeling lost and confused in this new world of pregnancy and weight-gain/maintain.

A Tiny Heartbeat

There's a tiny heartbeat inside of me, beating 163 times a minute. The other heart in my body, to the north of that one is so, so, so in love.

That's my way of saying I'm having a baby!!

I am 8 weeks, 6 days along. This time last week, for the first time, I saw my sweet little raspberry-sized baby living inside of me. I saw it's heart beating, I saw it's little nub arms and legs. I love that tiny little thing (even though it's kind of a brat..making me feel sick all day long).

With all the joy I have, I have so much anxiety about weight-gain. Right now I'm about 10 pounds over my weight goal. It's kind of hard to know I won't be back here for a good eight months. Don't get me wrong - I am thrilled that I'll be gaining weight for the most productive thing of my life, starting my little family!

My blog may be taking kind of a turn as I try to deal with pregnancy and weight gain, instead of weight loss. Yikes, but yay!

Fake It 'till You Make It

The fact that I have a blog called "Food: My Drug of Choice" tells you I have an obsession with food, weight, and everything in between... making the story I'm about to tell you seem even more odd.

Earlier this week, one of my co-worker/friends asked me if I had noticed she was losing weight.  Before even answering the question she responded, "I know, I know - you don't notice those kinds of things."  My thought, What?  I don't notice those kind of things?  haha, I don't notice those kind of things?  I notice if a person puts on or takes off half of a pound, so when my friend loses 7 pounds - I promise I notice.

But since moving and making a new set of friends I've been "faking it."  I say I exercise because it makes me handle stress.  I say I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm not.  I say I don't count calories or weigh myself.  I say the key is to eating what you feel like eating.  I guess you can call it lies, but really it's the person I want to be.  I'm faking to so I can make it.

I don't want to talk about eating too much and gaining too much weight - it feeds into my addiction.  Instead, I want to be a new person - I want to be a person that doesn't obsess, that is just confident in the way I look, the way I feel.  So that's who I'm pretending to be, with the hope that I'll eventually get there.

Blast from the Past

When I was in high school, my relationship with food was - imagine this - worse than it is now.  I was obsessed with exercising and with every piece of food I took into my body.

I spent every moment thinking about how many calories were going into my body and how many I was burning off.  Starting freshman year, I would do a 'wall sit' nonchalantly on the bus.  When I got home, I jogged and walked for 3 hours.  After homework I would spend two hours later that night at dance rehearsal.  When I got home, I would practice those dances for hours.  It was a non-stop exercising routine.  My calorie intake - even more extreme.

That's why the discovery I made yesterday was even more shocking.

I am asking questions at a local pageant tonight - so it's all about the glitz and glam.  Yesterday, I spent the morning trying on all of my dresses.  That's when I remembered my beautiful homecoming dress from senior year in high school.  As I was digging it out, I came across two other dresses - none other than my prom dresses!

I put my junior prom dress - or should I say garbage bag.  It was unbelievable.  I guess I just didn't realize how much bigger I was when I was in high school.  The difference is really only about 10 pounds, but I feel healthier than ever.

I may not be eating the perfect number of calories each day, but I'm eating when I'm hungry.  I'm choosing baby carrots rather than a bag of chips.  But eating a bag of chips isn't wrecking my food-related day.  I finally feel like a normal person, well at least, I' feel like I'm closer to being a normal person - not being obsessed with every piece of food I eat.

'Are you not worth it?'

Before posting about what I want to write about - I should say, I have so missed you all. I've missed your support - through comments and reading your blogs. My life has settled a little after my big move and new job - so I'm back!!

Now here's what this post is all about:

The last 48 hours have been different than the last month - on Friday I skipped lunch and dinner... eating maybe 200 calories all day. Today, well, I made up for the lack of calories yesterday - ice cream sundae brunch, chip breaks all day, and chocolate to wrap up the night.

The change from the last month? A negative pregnancy test.
Why is it that during the couple weeks I hoped I was pregnant, I was willing to eat well? Eating plenty of fiber, fruits and veggies, and protein. Why was it, that I didn't start eating for two until I found out I wasn't pregnant?

About a year ago this time - my husband was just getting out of rehab for a pain pill addiction.  As part of the program I attended a family meeting at the rehab center as part of my own "recovery."  During my first meeting, I heard a teenage girl talk about how her dad was high through her entire life.  Naturally, when it was my turn to speak I said something like, "I just can't imagine sitting here with a child.  What if we had kids?  I would never want to put my kids through something like this?"

The guy in charge responded, "Are you not worth it?"

I replied, "what?"

"Are you not worth it?" he repeated, "you wouldn't want your kids to go through this, but you think it's okay that you are?"

I didn't know how to respond.

I may still have a hard time putting myself first, or at least taking the time to care about myself - but I'm trying to change that.  Being thin is more about being attractive - it's about being healthy.  It's not only about fitting into my skinny jeans, but it's about living an extra decade.  I'm worth it, we're worth it - food is not.

New Year's Resolutions

I keep a journal… well I should say, I have a journal that I’ve written in a handful of times over the past two years. I’m writing in it so little that I have several years of resolutions in it.
2008 Goals:
-Weigh 140 pounds
-Dance again
-Reporting within 2 years
2009 Goals:
-Weigh 140 pounds
2010 Goals:
-Weigh 140 pounds
-Be on TV
Can you guys guess how much I want to weigh? At the beginning of this year I decided this was my year. This year, 2010, I would finally accomplish everything I’d ever dreamed of. Of the two goals on my 2010 list, I would consider the weight loss the easier of the two. Right? How though, has it been my goal for years – I mean years. That resolution dates back to 2000, at least.

In a month and a half I’ll write a new list of goals. As it stands now, as tradition, I’ll probably have to write weigh 140 pounds at the top. Then I’ll have another year to miss the mark. The vicious cycle will start again – and December 2011 I’ll be writing up another list – also starting with weigh 140 pounds.

I have an alternative plan – one I’ve never done. In a month and a half I’ll skip that goal – there will be no reason to write weigh 140 pounds because I will already weigh that amount.

There are still 39 days in this year. That is still enough to accomplish that stupid goal. I will cross it off the list. I am done with that ridiculous resolution – I will not lead my list with it for another year.

My New Year’s Resolution Resolution starts now.