Hiding in my Fat

Being fat is so much easier than being a failure.  At least I think.

I've decided my whole problem is this: I have to be fat, otherwise I'll have nothing to blame for my failures.  Right now if someone doesn't want to hang out with me or hates me I can rest easy knowing it's because I'm fat.  Right now, if I get passed up on a job I know it's because of my twenty extra pounds.

For instance, I've always wanted to be a dancer.  I was a dancer and cheerleader in high school, but I didn't go out for the college team because, well, you guessed it - I was too fat.  Then I slept through tryouts for a basketball team - again, because I was too fat.  Even this year, there was a tryout for a minor basketball team.  When I saw the information I thought - if only I could lose 20 pounds in the next week.  In the end, I didn't try out.  I didn't even seriously consider attempting to lose the weight.  It's one of the only things I'm amazing at, but I'll never have to prove it because I am just too fat.

Another thing I'll never have to prove, that I'm an amazing reporter.  My whole life I've wanted to be a TV reporter.  I started in radio (because I have a body for it) and then moved on to TV behind the cameras.  I've been working in the industry for 5 years now and I have yet to be on TV, reporting.  Even going back to college I remember thinking that I had to lose 20 pounds before I could be a good reporter.  I'm still thinking that.  It's ridiculous too because there are, although few, anchors and reporters that are bigger than me.  Right now, again, I'm not accomplishing this goal because I'm too fat.  My boss hates me because I'm too fat.  I don't look like I could be in this market because... drum roll... I'm too fat.  There is good news - at least I'm not failing because I just suck.  At least I'm failing for a reason - I'm fat.

It's a stupid excuse and I have to stop relying on it.  I'm going to start living my life today - with or without 20 extra pounds.  I'm going to buy a new outfit and enjoy it will I can.  I'm going to apply for jobs I deserve.  Ah - these stupid 20 pounds cannot rule my life forever, I'm over them.

1 comments:

Karen@WaistingTime

Oh no! This was sad to read. Until I got the the happy ending:) I think many of us don't live our lives to the fullest, for many reasons, not just fear or failure or weight related. I remember someone being surprised that I didn't even have a bucket list.

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