The Process

the crunch, the taste, the powder on my fingers.
Eating white cheddar Cheez Its is about more than just eating for me.  It's about the process.

My recovering addict honey has explained to me dozens of times - that his addiction to pain pills wasn't just about the chemical addiction, but that there was mental aspects to it to, specifically when he prepared to take his drugs.  He says everything from buying the pills to taking them was part of his addiction - the process is what he calls it.  I don't love the whole drug-taking process so I'll spare you, but this week I realized oh my gosh, I do that with food. Shocker - I know.

Let me get this straight, it's not all food, but some fall into this category.  Included the white cheddar Cheez-It.  I slowed down in the grocery store last week and spent a good 45 seconds debating with myself whether I should buy it or not.  Fortunately I was able to muster up some strength and kept on going.  Since that day I haven't been able to stop thinking about the tiny little crackers of goodness.  The whole thing - opening the package, grabbing one or two with just my thumb and pointer finger.  Then I put them in the center of my mouth where I crush the cracker against the top of my mouth - letting it melt in my mouth.  Then I have plenty of powder on my fingers to lick off.

I really don't know that I've ever thought of food in this way, that is until this week.  It made me realize, once again, that I have an obcession... an addiction.  I think I just have to handle it as such - avoid the things I can't handle.



I have not had Cheez-its in a long time; thankfully they are not my food drug of choice. (Since my boys eat them and they are in the house almost all the time, but not the original variety.) But when I did eat them, I can tell you that I also had a process. And when I bit down I split the cracker in half and ate half on each side of my mouth. Or two whole crackers, one on each side. But then again, I eat a lot of little nibbles this way, like M&Ms. Sigh.

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