Living Life

My life revolves around food and the way I look.  Most days my thoughts are focused on how much my thighs are jiggling, or how my teeth are slowly moving inward ruining my once-perfect smile.  I think about how the dry heat is causing dandruff and wrinkles and how chocolate is the enemy.  When I look at a menu at a restaurant I mentally calculate the calories each meal would cost me.  When I try to sleep I think about how I don't have matching shoes for the outfit I want to wear tomorrow.  I know - pathetic.  I'm not sure when I got so obsessed about my image, but I think about it all the time.

This weekend I realized there is so much more to how I look, the things that matter in life are not matching earrings and high heel shoes.  It's not a size zero waist and perfect, perky boobs - the thing that matters, the one thing that I should really be thinking about all day is love, relationships, healthy, family and friends.  Sometimes my obsession with my weight and food becomes first place... pushing all the most important things about life into second, third and even fourth place.  Sometimes being skinny becomes more important than being healthy, and a small waist pushes my husband's out of the way.

This week I got to see one of my best friends marry a man she adores.  It was so awesome!  When I saw her look at her soon-to-be husband after walking down the aisle I could see so much love in her eyes.  I started crying - I had no idea I would cry.  It was just so awesome to see how much love she had for this man that she was about to marry, to see two people beginning their lives together with so much happiness.

The next day I went to the Relay for Life.  I bought a luminary for my cousin that would have turned 20 this month.  She passed away three years ago of Leukemia.  I stood by my aunt, cousin, and dozens of other people who had lost their loved ones to cancer.  We remembered the life, charisma and larger-than-life spirit my little cousin brought into our lives.  A teenager that knew her life was ending, but still enjoyed it to the fullest.

I've just been thinking about life.  Life can't begin and end with food like it does for me right now.  When I wake up I don't think about my snuggly husband lying beside me - I think about my breakfast options in the kitchen.  There have been times where I can't wait for him to go to sleep so I can binge on something delicious.

Although this is easier said than done - there needs to be some kind of balance.  I really feel if I can fix my relationship with food I'll be able to have stronger relationships with the people around me.  Since my husband quit taking pain pills he has stronger relationships with his brothers, parents and me.

My obcession addiction is keeping me from enjoying life to the fullest.  I keep telling myself life will be more fun, cooler and everything I dreamed when I lose 20 pounds.  Well, guess what - I'm sick of waiting to be 140 pounds to enjoy life.  I can enjoy life right now.  Of course I still want to lose that weight and I'm still on my way - but if life is all about the journey, then I can enjoy the journey of losing weight too, right?!  So there.  Take that, stupid 20 pounds that are trying to ruin my life.

(I'll have an update on my goals and how eating went later today!)
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16 comments:

Karen@WaistingTime

The last paragraph says it all!! And you are not alone. I don't obsess about how I look, but I admit that my life right now seems to be focused on food. But you are right that it is easier said than done.

Lisa

I could've written this post. I understand it so well. I've wasted many many days, weeks, and years on obsessing about losing weight and not participating in life.

I'm trying to beat this thing for good this time. We can do this!!!

Ann

I've never been one to obsess over personal perfection, but I HAVE been self-conscious about my weight. Then, I discovered something ... almost everyone is too worried about their own issues to even give mine a second thought. Short of walking around naked (which would be memorable, but not in a good way), people at best only give a passing thought to what I look like or what I'm wearing. Just for fun, I met my girlfriend for lunch the other day, and after we ordered our water, I had her close her eyes. Then, I asked her (no peeking), what I was wearing. She had no clue. So, all my wasted energy on wondering what others were thinking was just that - wasted energy! It is very freeing to realize this. I'm focusing on losing weight - for me, for my health - but coming into my second week, it isn't even at the top of my thoughts anymore. I've managed to put it in its place - proper fuel for when my body needs it, but hardly the center of my day anymore. I think you have an achievable goal, and a fantastic attitude! Best wishes for every success!!

Food Addict

Thanks everyone for your comments - I feel like I had an 'ah-ha' moment this weekend in realizing that I sit out too often.

Ann, that's a great lesson to learn. Thanks for sharing... I need to remember that most people just don't care about those little things.

Sharon

We seem to all be having these ah-ha moments at the same time. That's great, we can help and encourage each other. Funny, I had begun writing my post for tomorrow when I read yours. So many common thoughts among us.

Food Addict

Sharon - it really comforts me that we all think so alike. Before joining the "blogosphere" I thought my food issues were just my own personality defects. Now I'm learning it's not just me - but it's a challenge that many people deal with.

When my hubby went into rehab we found out that a lot of the issues he had were related to his addiction... and that addicts in general had the same personality problems. As he recovering he's learning how to deal with the issues that led to his addiction!

ModernMom

This is a powerful post....best wishes to you on your positive journey forward!!

Tami

Don't waste another moment of your precious life. Start living it to the fullest and the rest of what you want will follow.

Food Addict

Thanks everyone for your support.

Tami, you are most definitely right - if I focus on being happy and healthy, the rest will come.

Anonymous

I know exactly how this feels...I will start living as soon as I lose 20 lbs, but do those 20 lbs. have the power to rule your life! Heck to the no!!

Jenn Barley | The KickStart Coach

What a great post -- so real.

Whenever we are thinking about the past or the future -- we aren't in the present moment. And to really live life -- you have to be in the present moment or you are missing out.

Easier said than done :)

Food Addict

Jenn - why does everything have to be easier said than done. My husband recently pointed out to me that I'm either missing the past or planning the future - I am NEVER in the present. I'm trying to just slow down and just take in every moment as it comes!

Sarah@LowStressWeightLoss

Gosh, this post really touched me. I've felt like that before, and I've almost forgotten how terrible it is.

Also your last comment about thinking ahead or behind - I lived that for a long time, largely because I was so unhappy in the present.

I got through it, so will you. I somehow did find a new relationship with weight & my body. I definitely have shifted to being able to just be in the present.

Probably the things that helped me most was a long slow weight loss process - I'm sure that if I'd lost fast & consistently I wouldn't have learned nearly as much about myself. The Life School of Hard Knocks helped me learn a lot too. Last year when I went through hell (cancer diagnosis) I came across a quote that helped me switch things in my mind : "Don't suffer future pain". I don't know the attribution (I probably should look it up) but my normal looking back (blame blame blame) and forward (fear, worry, terror) were NOT helping me cope, and this quote really did - I just tried to deal with the immediate next step. It helped.

On the "being in the present" I started to learn to meditate last year. It helped. It's hard and still pretty uncomfortable for me (my mind races like mad) but with guided meditations I can get there.

Good luck - hope you come to a peaceful spot with yourself soon.

Food Addict

Wow, Sarah - thank you so much for your comment. That quote "don't suffer future pain" is strong. I do that ALL the time, ALL day... in fact most of my time is spent suffering future pain. And the worst thing is that I speculate the pain to be a lot worse than it is. My husband is always telling me "stop speculating." This will really help me go forward in trying to live each moment as it comes.

It seems like too often we learn lessons with life changing events, like your cancer diagnosis. I really took my family for granted before my cousin was diagnosed with cancer - work and my obsession with perfection always came first. Now I would do anything and everything for my family.

Thank you soooo much for this comment, I feel like I have a better jumping point to find peace with myself and my racing mind.

The Binge Diary

Something I learned at treatment is that IT IS NOT ABOUT THE WEIGHT. If you don't change your thinking, you will probably be obsessed with food and bingeing even when you are 20 lbs lighter. Have you thought about going to OA?

Amber Raza

You have got some great posts in your blog. Keep up with the good work.

Adipex

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