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154.8. Just .2 pounds under my wedding weight. That number 154 is my new best friend - at least, I thought. So apparently because I've lost the 10 pounds that I am really good at losing I've decided to stop all efforts to lose weight and be healthy. What is wrong with me?!!
Every single time I've reached 155 (or less!) I lose my mind. Eating well and exercising are the first to go. Then I start adding bad foods back to my diet. Why do I do this? Am I afraid of being skinny? Am I sick of dieting?
This is what I'm thinking - I'm the fat girl. I'm always the fat girl - just a little bit chubbier than all my friends, I wear the biggest size pants, I have the biggest chest, and I am the only one that can't share clothes. Obviously that's not where I want to be. Obviously I want to borrow my friend's dress for the wedding I'm going to this weekend. Obviously I want to go shopping without hiding the number on the pants. But somehow I can't convince
I am just so attached to this 'fat girl' persona. I don't know who I will be without being the fat girl. What will my place in my groups of friends be? What if I fail when I try to get a new job? How can I still be funny without being the funny fat girl. Everything about me, since I was in 3rd grade, has revolved around the fact that I'm fat. How can I survive without that? That's like dying my hair blonde or going gothic. Right?
I need to throw out my fear. Somehow I need to move on, be proud, and strong because afterall, being in this "fat girl" comfort zone, is not all that comfortable.
Are any of you afraid to leave your chubbier self behind? What do you do to remind yourself living a healthy lifestyle is okay? HELP - before my scale crawls all the way back up to where I started!
18 comments:
While I have been overweight, I don't think I ever identified myself as the fat girl. I had self esteem issues, but they probably come from all sorts of other things. So I don't have any good advice to offer from experience, but I have read enough to know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Hugs.
I was a normal weight all but one year through high school. I started gaining weight after I was married...all the way to 290 lbs! Yikes!! I lost it all 2 years ago and hit 129 for about an hour! I've gained half the weight back, so I wonder about this same issue. It was weird when I was thin, because I was treated so differently by my friends as well as strangers. I don't think I felt uncomfortable thin per se, but I didn't feel like I fit in that body. I don't know. It's definitely something I have to address as I lose it this time. I do not want a rebound like last time.
I think you need to identify what being below 155 means to you...which it looks like you're doing. It's easy to sabotage our efforts.
OK...I don't know if I've made any sense??? Anyhow...keep up the mental digging is the only advice I can give you :)
Karen - I wish I wouldn't have latched on to this idea that I'm the "fat girl." It's so hard dealing with - even when I was at my smallest I felt like the fat girl. Thanks for your support!
Lisa - It seems like there's a huge mental aspect with weightloss. If we ignore the mental part of losing weight it's so much easier to gain the weight back. That's why I'm trying to mentally figure out where I'm at with food... so that I can just stop obcessing with food, pound, weight- SOMEDAY! Thanks for the advice!
I'm like Karen - never really identifying myself as the "fat girl" but always having some issues with my weight and self-esteem associated with my weight. And, like you, it almost seems like I sabotage myself when I start feeling better. I clearly remember looking in the mirror and starting to like what I saw a few weeks into waitressing. Something about spending most of the day on my feet, running around serving people and lugging boxes of prep food/drink around! The same day I was thinking "Hey. I'm losing some weight!" I also had heaps of fries followed by a couple chocolate bars at dinner.
For whatever reason, every time I felt like my body was getting closer to what I wanted it to be, I'd be sure to overindulge and get right back to where I was before.
I've yet to do that this time round. I don't know why, but this time it's working. No self-sabotage. I think a good part of that is because this time I'm focusing on health and getting fit. Anything weight-related is just a byproduct. If I eat a chocolate bar or heaps of fries, I'm sabotaging my HEALTH, not just my weight. That change in thinking is really helping me stay on target.
The Journey to fit - you are right, it needs to be about being healthy. I get sooo caught up with how much I weigh, my pant size... that everything else, my health included, comes in second place. Thanks for your comment - I needed that. I'm going to work on redirecting my goals to focus on being healthy, and your right, the weight will come off as a byproduct.
I was never overweight until after I had kids. I know how I was before I had kids and before I got married. I got a LOT of attention from men. I don't know why. I just did.
Truthfully? I will admit I do hide behind my weight. I'm not sure exactly why, and I can't believe I'm going to admit this here, but well here goes.
I am afraid to leave my chubbier self behind because I don't know how I'll handle attention again. Of course, I'm 18 years older so maybe that will no longer be an issue. LOL
Being fat has been safe for me. I have a friend that lost a ton of weight and has really struggled with the attention issue.
BUT..I think..no..believe, it's something that should be dealt with as we go and you're right..the fat girl comfort zone really ISN'T that comfortable at all!!
This is a struggle for me. I actually spent most of my life NOT being fat, so I think I still think I'm thin in my head. But for some reason, I've put on all this weight and haven't been able to lose it for any length of time. Somewhere in there I must identify with the fat girl and not want to let that go.
I went through a phase recently that if I lose weight something bad will happen.. Rather than think coinky dink.. I think.. if I had stayed fat this would not have happened.. for example.. right out of high school I lose 50 pounds .. my sister has a nervous breakdown.. my folks have a hard time dealing with it.. I commit her.. twice.. she is later diagnosed with OCD... 50 + pounds back on.. I lose weight again years later a significant amount .. my father is killed in a car accident... now logically I know none of these events has anything to do with each other.. they just happened after milestones in my life... and they were both tragic.. and frightening.. and sometimes I get scared who will die, who will get sick if I decide to really get serious and lose weight again.. how is that for some messed up thinking... but in reality I know that by dropping weight.. by not being the fat girl anymore.. i can finally find out who I am met to be.. at 47 years old.. So I started the precarious journey today.. and was not successful at all BUT I will be at it again tomorrow.. at least I am logging my food and planning my menu for tomorrow.. thats a good thing.. right direction... I have a long road.. I look forward to seeing the 150s on my scale one day... I am about 49 pounds away from that... Best to you. and I can tell you ..who you will be .. You will be You.. smaller in size.. but the same you with a Stronger will, better health, stronger and healthier body.. that is who you will be.. You~
Julie - You're right, being overweight feels safe. We aren't taken out of our comfort zone because no one is giving us a lot of attention.
Janet - I think there's a reason we keep extra weight. I refuse to believe it's just that we don't have the self-control... instead it's self sabotage. Subconciously I must have the idea that being overweight is better than not.
Honi - Thanks for sharing that. I really identify with that because I actually am OCD. My OCD brain tells me if I lose weight something really bad will happen. I know it doesn't make sense, but it's how my mind works. Obviously, there's no truth to that idea. Things happen, we can usually tie them together, but most likely they're coincidences. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction. All we can do is make choices each day that will put us on the pathway we want - choices each minute count. Planning your menu the day before is really constructive - I need to do that more.
Thanks all for your support!
I think fear holds us back from a lot of things, whether its fear of losing the familiar or the unknown future...and most of the time, our fears never ever materialize! I think I've been afraid of what will be required of me if I lose weight...i'll have to do something bigger with my life. Sometimes just telling ourselves the truth and then believing that truth is enuf to break down the fear.
Cheryl - you're exactly right. Being overweight gives me an excuse if I fail -- if I'm fit and fail I'll be failing because I'm just not good enough. That's one of the things I must afraid of.
I need to just start believing the truth - breaking down the fear, you are right.
Keep dancing with the guy that brought you to the dance! Stay with the habits that got you here, and don't strengthen the old habits by ever doing them, like an occasional cheat day. That will not work with an addiction.
Dr. J - you are absolutely right. If my husband (pain pill addict) had days where he took a few pills as a "cheat day"... he would be simply reinforcing his addiction by relapsing.
I've been working on fixing my relationship with food so I can occasionally eat chocolate/cake/whatever - without calling it a cheat day. I don't think eating something sweet should necessarily be "cheating"... it should instead be portioned, and I should be in control while eating that certain food.
Thanks for stopping by!
Hi -- I just came across your blog -- I love it.
I think that sometimes the "struggle" of weight management is our comfort level. We all know how to gain weight and how to lose weight. It is familiar.
So, if we were actually get to a place where we lived at our ideal weight -- then what would we need to focus on next? That is the part that can be overwhelming.
Your welcome!
"it should instead be portioned, and I should be in control while eating that certain food."
There are no shoulds, only what is. If you can't do what you say, you need to avoid certain trigger foods until you can, which may be never. Find some substitute foods that can help you in the mean time. Have you looked into taking a chromium picolinate supplement? It is supposed to balance your blood sugar and decrease sugar cravings. Ask your doctor about it. Good luck!
Just found my way over to your blog and have totally enjoyed learning your story. It caught my eye from the beginning because we weigh the same and are headed towards similar goal weights. 155 was also my wedding weight 33 years ago, although heaven knows, I've been all over the scale since then! Maybe we can encourage each other. You've got a new follower!
Jenn - you are most definitely right. It reminds me of wedding planning, when everything was said and done my friends would ask me how married life was... and I would joke it was boring because I wasn't planning a wedding anymore. (of course, I was joking)! I'm excited to check out your blog.
Dr. J - I will take a look at chorium picolinate supplements. Some members of my family have issues with controlling their blood sugar - I wouldn't be surprised if I had the same problems.
Sharon - One of my favorite things about blogging is all of the support I have found online! I'm headed over to your blog right now!
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