Picture This

I realized I was fat when I was in 3rd grade when running through the sprinklers in the backyard suddenly became a lot less fun. But it wasn't until my Freshman year in high school that I realized other people saw me as fat.

I had a group of friends that I hung out with in the library every morning. I was new to the group (because I was new to the school) and I was the only freshman. I had minor crushes on two of the boys in the group - I'll call them Michael and Matt. They were both juniors and best friends.

One early morning I walked into the library and took my usual seat at the long table. There was some commotion over a piece of paper that had just been crushed into a ball. I ultimately got a hold of it. I slowly opened the paper to reveal a picture of me. It was drawn by good-old Matt. I'll never forget the image on the picture. I kept it through high school and looked at it to remind myself that I was fat and ugly.

I was only 160 pounds, but when Matt looked at me he saw someone closer to 300 pounds. At least that's what his picture depicted. The most obvious part of the picture was the center - the stomach. The drawing showed my belly busting out of my too-small shirt and over my pants. My legs were probably 5 times their actual size in this picture. My neck couldn't be seen because of the multiple chins coming from my head. My arms were the same reaching in front of my body with my chubby-fingers touching. I can't remember what it said on my t-shirt. I'm glad I can't remember - it was something like FAT (my name). The words were capitalized.

That was ten years ago, but today I'm crying as if I saw the picture for the first time just minutes ago.

I remember pulling the picture out years after the incident to show my mom. She asked me why I still had it. I couldn't answer her. I threw it away not to long after that. But I can't emotionally and mentally throw it away. When I think of myself I still picture that fat girl, that fat girl I never was.