Who Am I Without Food?

I'm really good at losing 8 pounds - I mean really good. I've done it dozens of times - a couple times this year alone.

Here's what happens:
Day 1 I weigh in at 163 pounds. One week later, 159 pounds.

I keep going with daily exercise routines, counting calories and 8 hours of sleep. But then, insert my biggest roadblock. I'm not talking about a plateau, if only it could be a plateau. My roadblock to losing weight is losing weight. Every time I hit or come near 155 pounds I lose my mind. Seeing a 155 on the scale is my cue to scoop in the calories. I eat, eat, and eat some more until finally, a week later I am back at 163 pounds. The cycle starts again.

I used to think I didn't have the willpower to continue dieting and exercising for longer than it took to lose eight pounds. Now I'm realizing I'm thinking like an addict. I've been 163 pounds for as long as I can remember. When I was a freshman in high school I weighed myself (for weight loss) for the first time - I weighed in at 163 pounds.

I've never been skinny. I don't know how to be skinny. I have never weighed myself to see a 140 on the scale. I don't know what it's like. Can I do it? Will I still be funny? Will my husband think I'm attractive? Will people talk about me? Will I look the same? The closer I get to my goal weight, the more scared I get of it. What if I can't be a skinny girl?

Rewind 90-plus days ago. This same conversation went down with my husband. We were in our poorly lit living room (imagine this for affect, trust me), both of us had tear stains on our cheeks, with more tears coming. My husband had already admitted he was addicted to pills. Plans for rehab were already set. The tears were for another confession -- my husband told me he wouldn't be the same person without drugs. He told me prescription drugs had fueled him for the last 4 1/2 years. During the short times he was off them I would apparently complain about him being rude and not loving me. He said he didn't know how to live or work without drugs. He didn't know how to be sweet, sensitive, and loving without them. He even cited a Dr. Phil episode he saw - a recovering addict and his spouse were divorced because the spouse couldn't handle the "new person."

As you can imagine this conversation was terrifying. I sat there listening, wondering if I had made the biggest mistake by getting married just months before. I tried to hold back tears and assure him everything would be fine. (Later I took my insecurities about who my clean husband would be to my mom and in-laws.)

Here's the good news. My life is so much better now. My husband is more perceptive, sweet and loving than ever! He actually remembers to do things like take out the trash. He notices when I'm not feeling well. He doesn't call into work anymore. He's stronger, he's more active, he really cares.

I think part of addiction is thinking you can't live without that specific thing. I can't live without these 20 pounds, my husband thought he couldn't live without drugs. I saw my husband change for the better. Now I will change for the better.