Food: My Drug of Choice

Excuses, excuses

2011-06-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

Let's face it - I'm good at cravings. I'm even better at writing binges off as "cravings." It's part of the food addiction... mentally justifying binges.

I haven't done that for months. Insert roadblock here. [Pregnancy]

Pregnant cravings are something I've always heard of - you hear the stories of pickles and ice cream, my cousin swears she had to have hot Cheetos everyday. Recently, those "cravings" I once had during my stints of extreme dieting have been coming back. It's like back when I wanted donuts while I was on a no-carb diet or I wanted frosting and teddy grams when I was doing low-calorie. They're not real cravings.

It's hard to explain. I guess it feels like I'm starting a diet tomorrow, and right now is my one chance to eat whatever I want and use the excuse that it's the very last day I'm eating poorly. Now, I feel like my unhealthy, addicted mind is telling me "You have an excuse - eat whatever you want!" I don't want to get back in that vicious cycle. Instead, I want to clear my mind of the bad habits I made in high school and have since broken.

I want my baby to be healthy and I want to be a healthy mom - both physically and mentally. That doesn't start tomorrow (like my past diets), it doesn't even start now, it started yesterday (or months ago when I started this blog) when I made the conscious decision to get healthy.

Even though it feels like I'm erasing my recent hard work because I'm gaining weight - I don't have to forget the progress I've made mentally. I don't have to forget how to eat well and I can keep saying no to ~~drugs~~ food.

Growing Belly, Growing Goals

2011-05-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

My entire life (or what seems like it) I've battled the scale - it's always about losing weight.

Now, all of a sudden, I have to be able to gain weight and be okay with it. The number on the scale is slowly increasing - 157, 158.9, 160.4. Depending on the day, I've gained 3-5 pounds since getting pregnant.

That 3-5 pounds is showing. I swear it's all packed on to my stomach. That's because I eat carbs morning, noon, and night to fight the so-called "baby barfs." Carbs go right to the stomach - the ever-growing stomach.

My goal for the first trimester is to only gain 5 pounds. That means I need to maintain my weight for the next four weeks. I don't even know if that's possible - I've never done this before!

To do that, I'm setting these smalls goals:
- Stay away from empty calories
- Try eating fruit when I can stomach it, instead of crackers & bread
- Work-out for 30 min. each weekday

What else can I do? I'm feeling lost and confused in this new world of pregnancy and weight-gain/maintain.

A Tiny Heartbeat

2011-05-23T05:00:00.000-07:00

There's a tiny heartbeat inside of me, beating 163 times a minute. The other heart in my body, to the north of that one is so, so, so in love.

That's my way of saying I'm having a baby!!

I am 8 weeks, 6 days along. This time last week, for the first time, I saw my sweet little raspberry-sized baby living inside of me. I saw it's heart beating, I saw it's little nub arms and legs. I love that tiny little thing (even though it's kind of a brat..making me feel sick all day long).

With all the joy I have, I have so much anxiety about weight-gain. Right now I'm about 10 pounds over my weight goal. It's kind of hard to know I won't be back here for a good eight months. Don't get me wrong - I am thrilled that I'll be gaining weight for the most productive thing of my life, starting my little family!

My blog may be taking kind of a turn as I try to deal with pregnancy and weight gain, instead of weight loss. Yikes, but yay!

Fake It 'till You Make It

2011-05-21T13:42:00.000-07:00

The fact that I have a blog called "Food: My Drug of Choice" tells you I have an obsession with food, weight, and everything in between... making the story I'm about to tell you seem even more odd.

Earlier this week, one of my co-worker/friends asked me if I had noticed she was losing weight. Before even answering the question she responded, "I know, I know - you don't notice those kinds of things." My thought, What? I don't notice those kind of things? haha, I don't notice those kind of things? I notice if a person puts on or takes off half of a pound, so when my friend loses 7 pounds - I promise I notice.

But since moving and making a new set of friends I've been "faking it." I say I exercise because it makes me handle stress. I say I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm not. I say I don't count calories or weigh myself. I say the key is to eating what you feel like eating. I guess you can call it lies, but really it's the person I want to be. I'm faking to so I can make it.

I don't want to talk about eating too much and gaining too much weight - it feeds into my addiction. Instead, I want to be a new person - I want to be a person that doesn't obsess, that is just confident in the way I look, the way I feel. So that's who I'm pretending to be, with the hope that I'll eventually get there.

Blast from the Past

2011-03-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school, my relationship with food was - imagine this - worse than it is now. I was obsessed with exercising and with every piece of food I took into my body.

I spent every moment thinking about how many calories were going into my body and how many I was burning off. Starting freshman year, I would do a 'wall sit' nonchalantly on the bus. When I got home, I jogged and walked for 3 hours. After homework I would spend two hours later that night at dance rehearsal. When I got home, I would practice those dances for hours. It was a non-stop exercising routine. My calorie intake - even more extreme.

That's why the discovery I made yesterday was even more shocking.

I am asking questions at a local pageant tonight - so it's all about the glitz and glam. Yesterday, I spent the morning trying on all of my dresses. That's when I remembered my beautiful homecoming dress from senior year in high school. As I was digging it out, I came across two other dresses - none other than my prom dresses!

I put my junior prom dress - or should I say garbage bag. It was unbelievable. I guess I just didn't realize how much bigger I was when I was in high school. The difference is really only about 10 pounds, but I feel healthier than ever.

I may not be eating the perfect number of calories each day, but I'm eating when I'm hungry. I'm choosing baby carrots rather than a bag of chips. But eating a bag of chips isn't wrecking my food-related day. I finally feel like a normal person, well at least, I' feel like I'm closer to being a normal person - not being obsessed with every piece of food I eat.

'Are you not worth it?'

2011-03-20T01:52:00.000-07:00

Before posting about what I want to write about - I should say, I have so missed you all. I've missed your support - through comments and reading your blogs. My life has settled a little after my big move and new job - so I'm back!!

Now here's what this post is all about:

The last 48 hours have been different than the last month - on Friday I skipped lunch and dinner... eating maybe 200 calories all day. Today, well, I made up for the lack of calories yesterday - ice cream sundae brunch, chip breaks all day, and chocolate to wrap up the night.

The change from the last month? A negative pregnancy test.
Why is it that during the couple weeks I hoped I was pregnant, I was willing to eat well? Eating plenty of fiber, fruits and veggies, and protein. Why was it, that I didn't start eating for two until I found out I wasn't pregnant?

About a year ago this time - my husband was just getting out of rehab for a pain pill addiction. As part of the program I attended a family meeting at the rehab center as part of my own "recovery." During my first meeting, I heard a teenage girl talk about how her dad was high through her entire life. Naturally, when it was my turn to speak I said something like, "I just can't imagine sitting here with a child. What if we had kids? I would never want to put my kids through something like this?"

The guy in charge responded, "Are you not worth it?"

I replied, "what?"

"Are you not worth it?" he repeated, "you wouldn't want your kids to go through this, but you think it's okay that you are?"

I didn't know how to respond.

I may still have a hard time putting myself first, or at least taking the time to care about myself - but I'm trying to change that. Being thin is more about being attractive - it's about being healthy. It's not only about fitting into my skinny jeans, but it's about living an extra decade. I'm worth it, we're worth it - food is not.

New Year's Resolutions

2010-11-22T12:23:00.000-08:00

I keep a journal… well I should say, I have a journal that I’ve written in a handful of times over the past two years. I’m writing in it so little that I have several years of resolutions in it.
2008 Goals:
-Weigh 140 pounds
-Dance again
-Reporting within 2 years
2009 Goals:
-Weigh 140 pounds
2010 Goals:
-Weigh 140 pounds
-Be on TV
Can you guys guess how much I want to weigh? At the beginning of this year I decided this was my year. This year, 2010, I would finally accomplish everything I’d ever dreamed of. Of the two goals on my 2010 list, I would consider the weight loss the easier of the two. Right? How though, has it been my goal for years – I mean years. That resolution dates back to 2000, at least.

In a month and a half I’ll write a new list of goals. As it stands now, as tradition, I’ll probably have to write weigh 140 pounds at the top. Then I’ll have another year to miss the mark. The vicious cycle will start again – and December 2011 I’ll be writing up another list – also starting with weigh 140 pounds.

I have an alternative plan – one I’ve never done. In a month and a half I’ll skip that goal – there will be no reason to write weigh 140 pounds because I will already weigh that amount.

There are still 39 days in this year. That is still enough to accomplish that stupid goal. I will cross it off the list. I am done with that ridiculous resolution – I will not lead my list with it for another year.

My New Year’s Resolution Resolution starts now.

A Moment of Relief

2010-11-15T11:45:00.000-08:00

I got to visit my husband this weekend! It was four weeks coming - I could not be happier! I'm back in my new "home" now, but this weekend was perfect. So perfect in fact, that I didn't need chocolate.

My honey and I were driving to my real home when he said, "Oh, we didn't get soda, can we stop by Walgreen's?" Of course I said yes, we turned around, and my brain instantly started thinking of what I would buy - MnMs or maybe Dove chocolates or crackers. Those thoughts were almost instantly followed by another thought - "I don't want those things." Amazing - a moment of relief from eating. I didn't need to eat anything because I was already ridiculously happy and nothing else would make me feel any better.

I guess I need to learn how to be happy without food, without my honey - just me. I need to be able to be happy alone, I don't want to be alone, but I need to be happy with me.

How Many Cameras Are On You?

2010-11-10T00:57:00.000-08:00

I can't even decide where to start. It's been quite a few weeks since I've updated. First let me say sorry to all my lovely blog-amigos that I've been neglecting. Secondly, a sorry to Marbear who has been rocking the Fall Focus while I've been ignoring the emails!

Now, to tonight. There's a "Friends" episode where the whole gang is around the TV watching an old home video of "Fat Monica." When someone comments about Monica's (Courtney Cox's) weight she quickly says, "the camera adds ten pounds." Only to be shot down by Chandler saying, "How many cameras were on you?"

Well, that's what I was asking myself after the 11 p.m. show, watching how it went. It seriously looked like the buttons on my blazer were about to pop off. I'm simply mortified. To make it worse, yes looking too big for your clothes can be worse - during the show there was a story about dieting and I adlibbed, "I'm just glad I don't have to give up my chocolate." I'm sure viewers were looking at me thinking, "Ummm... it's time to give that chocolate up."

But in my real world - yes, I need to give chocolate up. My husband is still in Las Vegas. So I keep finding myself drowning my stress, sorrows, and all emotion into a bag of Halloween chocolates. Tonight, it's cheese and crackers.

I have to get back on the band-wagon. To do that, all I can do is start with goals.

1. Eat less than 1800 calories a day
2. Only eat when I'm hungry
3. Eat plenty of fruits and veggies
4. Exercise 5 times a week

Comfort in an Uncomfortable Place

2010-10-16T21:05:00.001-07:00

August 2004: My first year of college, away from home, and on-my-own. I had dreamed of this time in my life for years - a college girl, living in the dorms, and dating lots of cute boys. Maybe it was all that dreaming that made my expectations so high, and even unreachable. Freshman year of college turned out to be the worst of my life. In the first couple months, I lost all the friends I made during freshman orientation (it was a Halloween fiasco, another story for another time). Only one friend stood with me through it all - food.

My freshman year became a huge eating fest. I would hit up the vending machines at all hours of the night - gobbling ice cream sandwiches, candy bars, and those sweet-and-sour watermelon treats. Then I'd feast on mozzarella sticks and cheese balls. I tried diet after diet, each lasted for about a week - and I went back to self-medicating with food.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out - all that packed on the pounds, 28 pounds to be exact. I have since lost that weight (yay!) and kept it off four years.

Fast forward.

October 2010: My first time getting an on-air job, away from my husband, and on my own. I've dreamed about this opportunity since the day I learned how to write.

See the problem? For the second day in a row I'm stuffing my face with chocolate. How do I stop? How can I stop? I am all alone and my only friend is Dove chocolates with caramel - in fact, the message on the wrapper just told me how wonderful I am.

My plan for the moment is to finish this bag of chocolates. I seriously feel as if I have no other choice. My mind is telling me that I'll start a new diet tomorrow - I am so against that idea. I want to be healthy starting at this exact moment.

I just reached into the bag of delicious comfort - to find another message from my only friend. Dove says, "Constantly strive to reinvent yourself." Case closed - I guess that's what I'll do, right now. I am throwing the rest of the bag into a box.

I don't have to be the girl that eats when I'm lonely, scared, or anxious. I can be the girl that knows how to cope, without eating. I can reinvent myself.

A Dressing Room Miracle

2010-10-07T15:06:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying SORRY! I have been so busy with finishing everything at one job and preparing for everything at another.. not to mention the packing, shopping and my husband's birthday party. It's been a crazy 2 weeks. When the transition is over, I'll be back and blogging/commenting my little heart away.

For my new job I need tons of blazers. Watch your local news - have you noticed that the ladies behind the anchor desk don't recycle outfits for weeks? I only have about 6 blazers I bought in college (more about those in a minute). All week I've been spending time at Ross, Marshalls, Nordstrom Rack, Macys, Dillards, Burlington Coat Factory - you get the picture.

My first day on the blazer hunt was pretty unsuccessful. I searched through the size 10 racks grabbing any suit I thought I could pull off. With dozens of jackets in my hand I headed to the dressing room. None of them worked. For some reason I looked completely frumpy. That's about the time I decided my new size must be 8.

So back to the store floor in search of size 8 suits. I waited in the dressing room line, grabbed the appropriate number for the amount of clothes I had, and then tried them on. One by one, I realized even with the smaller size I was having the same problem - frump-fantastic. At this point I decided the problem wasn't the size, but just that I couldn't pull off the professional look. I left the store completely defeated.

Day 2 of search: I decided to try an even smaller size. Yes, size 6. Just for the record, I've never even attempted to fit into a size 6. Why try to fit into a size 6 if you can't fit into an 8?

I went to the dressing room with a couple of 6's... already knowing they wouldn't fit. First the suit jacket - the jacket pulled together just fine, no problem with the buttons, and it was on. I looked at the second part of the 2-piece suit - the pants. I thought, no way I'll be able to get those on. I put the pants around my ankles, pulled them up and up and up. My thunder thighs that usually keep 8s from reaching my waist didn't even put up a fight. I zipped and buttoned with no problem. [insert tears of joy here]

Now to a complete miracle - I conquered a size 4. Yes, a size 4. It's only one of my 2-piece suits, but somehow I got it on. I felt like America Ferrara in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. (note: another size 4 I tried wouldn't even button, so it was lucky, but I'll take it!) *pictured on the left*

While being obsessed with the stalled scale I forgot to notice my increasingly baggy clothes. The scale hasn't budged in weeks, but somehow the inches have.

As far as all my old suits go, I have to donate them. They range in size from 10 - 14. They're not even close to fitting. *pictured on the right*

Fall Focus Goals

2010-09-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

Fall is my absolute favorite time of the year. The crisp cold air, the leaves changing, the holidays... but as you all know, all that comes with hot apple cider and pumpkin pie! Not to mention the one thing that rivals food for the top diet disaster - stress! Between dealing with traveling, family, cooking, and preparing for Christmas - my favorite time of year can pretty quickly become one of the worst times. That's why this year I'm preparing for more than just candy corn and candied apples. I need to be ready to combat that lame holiday stress.

Goals for the fall focus:
1. First and foremost, get to my goal weight! Just 13 pounds to go! With nine weeks, I only need to lose about 1.5 pounds each week.
2. Train for and run a half marathon
3. Add 5 fruits/veggies to my daily diet
4. Keep my stress to-do list ~~close to my heart~~ nearby

Stress is Coming: These are some of the stressers I'm going to face this fall.
-starting a new job
-moving

-money

-being away from my hubby

-traveling

YIKES!!

2010-09-29T09:43:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry for going about a week and a half without posting. The last several days have been a whirlwind of adventure. At one point, I was actually too busy to weigh myself - imagine that, obsessed with the scale me couldn't find a few seconds to step on the scale.

I have a lot of great news to share:
1. I got the job! Actually, I got two jobs. I took the anchoring/reporting position that comes with a wardrobe allowance (yes, that's right - a wardrobe allowance)! I'm moving in two weeks!
2. Still running hard! Over the last two weeks my training has been lack-luster, but training all the same. I've skipped two runs and a few cross-training workouts. But I've aced every long run.
3. Remember how I got so busy I couldn't weigh myself? Well, it paid off! Last weigh-in I was 153 pounds! I haven't been there in who-knows-how-long.
4. My hubby and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary! We went to San Diego, Disneyland, Knott's Berry Farm... it was awesome! Perfect celebration for my perfect honey. (By the way, this is why I couldn't respond to any of your comments or read any of your posts).
5. I'm joining the Fall Focus challenge! I will post my goals tomorrow!

Department of Homeland SOCIETY

2010-09-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, so forgive me, but this post will not be about food, weight loss, or anything of the like. Instead, it's a post about how stupid I am. It has to do with something that only a few people know - and because I can't get a hold of any of them, the venting is coming to you.

So I've been interviewing at TV stations to become an on-air personality. Yesterday I had two interviews - I kicked butt in both. Then one of the stations asked me to take a timed test. I had one hour to answer questions about politics, the judicial system, and "current" events. (I write "current" because they were like 60 years old - yes questions about MLK and Marxx.) There was also a journalism ethics portion, along with writing.

I am so bad at test taking. Ah, so bad. Right when I opened the file I got overwhelmed... oh my gosh how can I do this in just one hour? My brain instantly shut off.

After I had turned in my test at the one-hour mark, I took a moment to look over my answers. Under 'What department did George Bush establish after 9/11' I wrote 'Department of Homeland SOCIETY.' Society, people. SOCIETY!! What if he really thinks that's what I think. Like maybe this news director thinks I've been going my entire life calling the Dept. of Homeland Security, the Dept. of Homeland SOCIETY. I'm embarrassed to say the least. My brain was thinking 'security' but my fingers had something else in store.

So this is just for fun... for you to test your own poli-sci/history knowledge. Can you imagine - a full grown adult taking a test? Please. Here are a few questions from the test.

- What is the FED?
- What countries did Bush name "The Axis of Evil?"
- Who was the first African American on the Supreme Court?
- Name the President of the U.S. Senate and Senate Minority leader.
- Name a news magazine other than "Time" or "Newsweek"
- How long is the term for U.S. Representative.
- Who was the last republican president before George W. Bush.

These are more fun: provide a one-word substitute for these phrases:
-at this point
-passed away
-initiate
-due to the fact that

Triumph Over a Tub of Ice Cream

2010-09-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

My days have been pretty much the same over the last week - snacking until I feel like I'm going to explode. Today it was the same old story. After lunch I grabbed a Klondike bar. It was good, but not crunchy and salty. For my crunchy/salty fix I needed something else. I returned to the cabinet for Doritos. After one lunch-sized bag I grabbed a second. My start-over day, my Monday was on the verge of turning into another binge-day.

So naturally, I returned to the kitchen with my mind full of thoughts of ice cream, caramel and chocolate sauce. I grabbed the tub of ice cream and put it on the counter. I then opened the fridge to grab the caramel on the bottom shelf. As I reached down something stopped me. [press play on clip below for soundtrack of the next moment... story continues below]

... something stronger than the urge to binge stopped me as I reached for the caramel. I dropped my arm, stood back up and turned toward the menacing ice cream. I grabbed it, but this time without the intention of eating it. Just as quickly as my day had turned upside down I threw the tub back into the freezer, tipping it as it fell over on top of the frozen steaks. I have defeated the ice cream, for now. I can do this and not even some not-so-great ice cream can stop me.

Have you had a dun-dun-dun-duuunnnn moment recently? Please tell me - I need all the inspiring power-moment stories I can get!

Stress-Free To-Dos

2010-09-13T07:05:00.000-07:00

My world seems to be spiraling out of control - well, not my entire world. My half-marathon training is going perfectly. Every time I hit the pavement I surprise myself, running 4 miles last weekend! My time is getting faster and faster each time - I'm at an 11 minute-mile.

Now, here's where my world starts crumbling - the kitchen. As I run faster, I begin throwing food in my mouth faster. The story in the kitchen is pretty unfortunate. I can't stay out - just eating anything and everything I can get my hands on; ice cream, Cheetos, crackers, pudding, chocolate - anything.

I've been trying to figure out why I am letting my diet get out of control. The winner, STRESS. I am so stressed out by my job, cooking, cleaning, getting sleep, sending out resumes... the list goes on.

A close second place, I'm afraid of being skinny. Because I am burning so many calories with my half-marathon training my brain has apparently decided to overeat to make sure I don't lose weight. Last week I ran a total of 10 miles and cross-trained for another hour, but somehow I gained almost 2 pounds. Of course when I say 'somehow' I mean... by eating ice cream, cheetos and crackers.

Last month I wrote about my chocolate escape - eating to escape the reality of life. A lot of my wonderful blog ~~readers~~ supporters urged me to write a list of things I could do instead of binging. I did just that!

When something other than hunger sends me to the kitchen I will look at my 'Stress-Free To-Do' list instead.
1. write
2. dance
3. take a walk, at least to the mailbox
4. get out of the house
5. head to the gym
6. read
7. bubble bath
8. scrapbook
9. organize something

I Can

2010-09-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

This week has been hard. It seems like making healthy choices is getting harder each day. I'm losing my mojo. I'm trying to remind myself why I don't want to binge all day long.

A reminder of why I need to stop eating all day long:
1. Reach my goal of 140 pounds
2. I don't want to feel bloated all day long
3. Want to have a healthy relationship with food
4. Want better relationship with food, to be able to teach my future kids how to eat well
5. Want to enjoy food, rather than just stuffing it in my mouth
6. Want to be healthy
7. Want to run a half-marathon

Blog Award (but Beyonce has the best video of all time)

2010-09-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

I decided in honor of tomorrow's Video Music Awards - to remember Kanye West stealing Taylor Swift's thunder last year. If you didn't see it, it's a must. Taylor swift is accepting her award for Best Music Video of the Year, when Kanye not-so-politely inturrupts saying, "But Beyonce had the best video of all time." It's pretty hilarious, and definitely worth youtubing. My internet is being lame, so I'm having a hard time posting it here.

Now, on to the important part of this post... accepting my blog award. I am so thrilled and honored to have been awarded the "Blog with Substance Award." I actually got this one twice, from Sarah over at Low Stress Weight Loss and from Love2EatinPa at Confessions of a (Recovering) Compulsive Eater. I absolutely adore both blogs -- and I want to tell both thank you, thank you, thank you!

Here are the rules for this one:
1. Sum up your blog philosophy, motivation, and experience in 5 words:
This is a toughy...
"Developing Healthy Relationship with Food"

2. Pass it on to 10 other Amazing Blogs:
- Jenn Barley, The KickStart Coach
- Danielle at The Journey to Get Fit and Fit In
- Anna at Adios, Fat Pants
- Beerab at This Time It's For Real
- Marbear at A Quest for Health & Happiness (The Final Countdown)
- Sharon at Gains and Losses
- Cesca at Pin Up In Progress
- Modern Mom at How to Survive Life in the Suburbs
- Lisa at No More Diet Drama

Okay... whew, that was hard and it was only 9 bloggers, I tried to make sure all of you hadn't received this award yet... sorry if you have! I actually have another award to give out... probably in the coming week or so!

Last Day

2010-09-06T09:16:00.000-07:00

On my morning news show I have a little 45 second segment called "Jump on Today." It runs each half hour and includes 3 quick little updates of things that are happening that day. Well, today I'm going to do that for you - accept instead of a Jump on the Day's News... you'll get a Last Day Update.

Here's a look at what I'm ~~quitting~~ ending today:
- The summer challenge. The last several weeks were quick and mostly painless - with me keeping nearly all of my goals *nearly all of the time. My list of achievements include losing 10.2 pounds, binging less than five times, and of course starting my marathon training.
- Intuitive Eating. It's a nice idea, but too early for me. I still want to lose a good 15 pounds and I don't think I can do it with Intuitive Eating. Last week I lost only .2 pounds which was disappointing during a week of intense exercise and my first week of I.E. Will re-visit when I'm at the maintaining stage.
- Obsessively Weighing Myself. The scale is not my friend - and I need to stop making hourly play-dates with it. Seriously, I know pooping makes me weigh less, eating makes me weigh more, and sleeping can go either way - so why am I still weighing myself after each thing I do? My hubby will get the special operations assignment today to hide the scale.

Now on to something I won't be quitting - the marathon! Last time I told you about my training it was a pretty depressing 'shoulda, woulda, coulda' post about giving up mid-run.

Now, I'm running with more strength than ever. This morning I did a 3 mile run (for the second time!). I honestly didn't know if I could do it after my first attempt to run 2 miles. Who knew 2 miles could soon be a sinch?! Well, take that word "sinch" loosely. It's still tough, but I push through it. On Wednesday I have my longest run yet - 3.5 miles. I'll tell you how it goes. Oh - and I posted an update about the marathon on my personal facebook account - now all my friends know. There's no turning back now!

Weighing the Consequences

2010-09-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

For the first time in my life, I'm trying to jump off the diet bandwagon. This week I didn't keep track of my calories - I didn't write a single thing down. Instead, I tried a little thing called intuitive eating - listening to my body, instead of the weight loss gurus/gods/writers.

For me it's all about what I'm calling food consequences.
When I eat fried chicken it makes me feel... ugh. The chicken sits in my stomach and I feel like I'm coated in oil.
When I eat salad I feel fresh - like the Fresh Express commercials with a pop of music and dancing.
When I eat a bite of chocolate I feel satisfied.
When I eat an entire bag of chocolates I feel sick.

Each time I grab something to eat I do just that - consider the consequences.

After grocery shopping I usually eat a snack on my way home. After finishing yesterday's shopping trip I considered my options as I held a case of Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches, "body, do you want this sandwich right now or would you rather have cobbler when you get home?" My body chose cobbler and I put the sandwiches back into the bag. When I got home, I asked my body if it was ready for cobbler. My body said it would rather exercise first and have See's Candy later. So I skipped the cobbler and headed for the gym. My cross training finished and my body told me it didn't want to go to See's Candy anymore.

Sometimes my body chooses the not-so-healthy option, but it's still not a problem. My husband and I went out for dinner - usually I choose a salad loaded with chicken, fruits and nuts. But this time my body just could not say 'no' to the BBQ Burger. I ordered accordingly - without the bacon and BBQ sauce on the side. I tuned into my body, letting my tummy make every decision for me as I took each bite. About 2/3 the way through my body had had enough. That was that - I wasn't full. I wasn't deprived. I wasn't hungry. I was just content. The food had played it's role in keeping me alive - nothing more, nothing less.

First Comes Health

2010-08-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

My whole life my weight loss battle has been just that - a weight loss battle. Everything about my quest to get healthy has never had anything to do with health, but everything to do with my dress size, the pounds on the scale, and eliminating cellulite.

This week, however, all that changed. Last week, I told you about my new goal to run a half-marathon. This was my first week of training and it was not easy. I ran a total of 5 1/2 (and some change in my pathetic attempt to run 3 miles). Plus, I had 30 minutes of weight-lifting and another hour of cross-training.

My obsessions with the scale and calories made a 180. Instead, my thoughts were full of tips to finish my runs, plans for cross training, and stretching.

When I constantly think about the foods I should and shouldn't eat I find myself munching everything, standing in the middle of the kitchen grabbing anything from any shelf that looks half-way appetizing. This week that didn't happen.

It was probably a mix of things keeping me out of the kitchen including that I just didn't have time! Training takes a lot of time, so I didn't even have a moment to consider the binge walk around my kitchen. Second - crap food doesn't sound good when you have a workout regimen to stick to.

Here's the perfect example - on date night my husband and I went to Chili's. My go-to meal choice is the Chicken Crispers at a whopping 1290 calories. When I sat down I thought about ordering the fried-deliciousness, but that deliciousness didn't sound delicious at all. When I thought about it... I pictured how it would feel in my stomach - heavy, stale, sticky and ugh (yes, ugh is a verb). Instead, I chose the Caribbean Salad with Grilled Chicken at 620 calories (that's with dressing, and I did not have the dressing). I can honestly say, I felt like salad. I wanted to fill myself up with fresh pineapple and romaine lettuce. Yum.

What else can being healthy first conquer? The scale. As many of you know, I'm obsessed with it - weighing myself before bed, when I wake up, before and after going to the bathroom, with clothes on, without clothes on, even after blowing my nose (yeah, I know - pathetic). This week I weighed myself once - one time people. By the time the weekend rolled around, I was thrilled to step on the scale to 2.3 weight loss.

Everything was easier this week when I put health first. I didn't get lost in the calorie-counting and pound obsessing and look at that - 2.3 pounds gone. Even before the scale patted me on the back for a week well done, I felt great.. and dare I say, looked great.

Let's Take This Outside

2010-08-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

I have been really proud of myself because I can easily run 2.5 miles ... that is... on a treadmill. After spending the entire summer running on a treadmill, I decided to take my half-marathon training outside. Today was my long run- only 3 miles, but nevertheless long. It's an unusually cool day in the valley - only 84 degrees. So I decided if I am ever going to run outside, today would be the day

I hopped in my car and drove a three mile circle around the neighborhood. During my 5 minute drive I realized this run would be a cinch - totally easy.

Here's where the bad part comes in - I only ran one full mile. No, it wasn't because my knees were hurting or because I had a side pain - instead, I just felt like stopping. I just quit at the one mile mark. My body could have kept going, but my mind was over it. My mind is so lame - it's the thing that psychs me out when running, dieting, losing weight. Sometimes I wonder if my brain would be better suited in the body of someone who didn't care about health. That way it wouldn't have to go to all the trouble of psyching its body out of doing anything halfway healthy. Ah!

Do you psych yourself out? What are some of the tips you use to keep running... keep eating well... keep following your goals?

A Milestone

2010-08-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

This weekend I celebrated a huge milestone with my husband's sponsor. My husband's sponsor has been off drugs and alcohol for 8 years. The celebration was awesome. It started at an NA (narcotics anonymous) meeting where everyone sang their praises. Next dozens of people filled a small Mexican restaurant to celebrate his "birthday."

Since the celebration I've been thinking, I want my own celebration. I want my own "birthday." What would it feel like to rid myself of this addiction, to be clean for eight years? I can only imagine. I've never gone eight years without binging. Now is the time, today is the day.

Starting on August 23rd, 2010 I will no longer binge. I'm taking this one day at a time, one moment at a time. If my husband can give up pain pills for +6 months and his sponsor can give up his drugs for 8 years then I can surely give up over-eating.

-------------------------------------------------------

Now, to the bad news. I gained three pounds this week. I kind of just threw the week. One day of binging turned into two days, two days turned into three, and before I knew it my entire week was a binge. It was pretty upsetting. I learned a lot though and I am ready to look forward.

As far as my goals - just know, I didn't keep one of them.
These are my goals for this week:
1. Stop obsessing about weight. I may wait to weigh myself again until the final Summer challenge weigh in.
2. Follow the half-marathon training plan. (one day down, just six to go)
3. Write down everything I eat
4. Don't weigh myself this week
5. Do not binge

You Can't Catch Me, I'm the Gingerbread Man

2010-08-21T15:07:00.000-07:00

Well, actually, you probably can catch me. And wow, gingerbread sounds good right about now! Okay, okay - now to what this post is about - I have mapped out my half marathon training plan!

This will be my first 1/2 marathon. I am so excited and a little bit nervous. I am using Hal Higdon's Novice 12-week plan. To be ready for the Rock n' Roll Las Vegas marathon I have to start in three weeks. But I'm adding three extra weeks - the first two will help me get up to three weeks. The third will be a repeat of the 4 mile week.

Here's the schedule:
Week 1:
Mon: ~~2 miles~~
Tue: ~~20 minutes cross-training~~
Wed: ~~2.5 & 30 min. strength training~~
Thur: ~~REST!~~
Fri: ~~30 min. cross-training~~
Sat: ~~3 miles~~ (almost, only ran 1 mile... ran/walked the rest)
Sun: ~~REST!~~

Week 2 (8.30.10 - 9.5.10):
Mon: ~~2.5 miles~~
Tue: 20 min. cross-training
Wed: ~~2.5 miles~~ & 30 min. strength training
Thur: ~~REST!~~
Fri: ~~30 min. cross-training~~
Sat: ~~3 miles~~
Sun: ~~REST!~~

Week 3 (9.6.10 - 9.12.10):
Mon: ~~3 miles~~
Tue: ~~20 min. cross-training~~
Wed: ~~3 miles & 30 min. strength training~~
Thur: ~~REST!~~
Fri: ~~30 min. cross-training~~
Sat: ~~4 miles~~
Sun: ~~REST!~~

Week 4: (9.13.10 - 9.19.10)
Mon: ~~3 miles~~
Tue: ~~20 min. cross-training~~
Wed: ~~3 miles~~ & 30 min. strength training
Thur: ~~REST!~~
Fri: 30 min. cross-training
Sat: ~~4 miles~~
Sun: ~~REST!~~

Week 5: (9.20.10 - 9.26.10)
Mon: 3 miles
Tue: 30 min. cross-training
Wed: ~~3 miles~~ & 30 min. strength training
Thur: ~~REST!~~
Fri: 30 min. cross-training
Sat: ~~4 miles~~
Sun: ~~REST!~~

Week 6: (9.27.10 - 10.3.10)
Mon: 3.5 miles
Tue: 30 min. cross-training
Wed: ~~3.5 miles~~ & 30 min. strength training
Thur: ~~REST!~~
Fri: 40 min. cross-training
Sat: 5 miles
Sun: REST!

Week 7:
Mon: 3.5 miles
Tue: 30 min. cross-training
Wed: 3.5 miles & 30 min. strength training
Thur: REST!
Fri: 40 min. cross-training
Sat: 5 miles
Sun: REST!

Week 8:
Mon: 4 miles
Tue: 30 min. cross-training
Wed: 4 miles & 30 min. strength training
Thur: REST!
Fri: REST!
Sat: 5K
Sun: REST!

Week 9:
Mon: 4 miles
Tue: 30 min. cross-training
Wed: 4 miles & 30 min. strength training
Thur: REST!
Fri: 40 min. cross-training
Sat: 6 miles
Sun: REST!

Week 10:
Mon: 4.5 miles
Tue: 30 min. cross-training
Wed: 4.5 miles & 30 min. strength training
Thur: REST!
Fri: 50 min. cross-training
Sat: 7 miles
Sun: REST!

Week 11:
Mon: 4.5 miles
Tue: 30 min. cross-training
Wed: 4.5 miles & 30 min. strength training
Thur: REST!
Fri: 50 min. cross-training
Sat: 8 miles
Sun: REST!

Week 12:
Mon: 5 miles
Tue: 30 min. cross-training
Wed: 5 miles & 30 min. strength training
Thur: REST!
Fri: 60 min. cross-training
Sat: 9 miles
Sun: REST!

Week 13:
Mon: 5 miles
Tue: 30 min. cross-training
Wed: 5 miles & 30 min. strength training
Thur: 2 miles
Fri: REST!
Sat: 10k
Sun: REST!

Week 14:
Mon: 5 miles
Tue: 30 min. cross-training
Wed: 5 miles & 30 min. strength training
Thur: REST!
Fri: 60 min. cross-training
Sat: 10 miles
Sun: REST!

Week 15:
Mon: 30 min. strength training
Tue: 4 miles
Wed: 30 min. strength training
Thur: 2 miles
Fri: REST!
Sat: REST!
Sun: 1/2 marathon

What are your thoughts? I especially want to hear from the people who have done this before.

I'm kind of worried about scheduling a 10K only two weeks before the marathon. Obviously a 10K is less distance than the 9 miles Hal Higdon requests I run that week. In November, there is only one 10K happening in Las Vegas. I really feel like I should get out and run on the road to get an idea of what it's like to run around other people in a race situation.

I'm also a little concerned about the cross training. My cardio has always been running. What are my options for cross-training; cycling, swimming, and.... what?

Chocolate Escape

2010-08-18T05:07:00.000-07:00

No stress, no work, no chores, no errands. It's just me, the chocolate, and Bachelor Pad. I sat in front of my TV Tuesday afternoon popping a dozen peanut butter-chocolate snacks my husband had made. One after the other I devoured them. When I started asking myself "Why am I doing this?" I couldn't come up with an answer - so I continued the binge.

When I was done my stomach hurt, but still no answer. About 30 minutes later, my chocolate coma ended... I couldn't breathe. I was having an anxiety attack. My heart was beating out of my chest, I had to lean up against the wall and slide to the floor where I sat taking deep breaths.

My chocolate stupor was over, my 'high' had faded - and now only the truth was left - my anxiety. This all has to do with work. I've been feeling stressed because I literally have two hours of free time a day - and only a small portion of that is time I can spend with my husband.

When I was high/drunk/strung out on chocolate - whatever you want to call it - I didn't have to worry about those things. I used chocolate as a drug on Tuesday, the same way my husband used his Lortabs. After he went into rehab for his addiction, he confessed to me that his addiction all started with anixety. He said the pills gave him confidence to sell cars. He was able to go out on a limb, be in front of people, and forget the uneasiness he had felt before the pills.

I'm upset I let this happen to myself. I'm upset my binge-free days are back down to zero. At this point all I can do is learn from the experience. I need to deal with anxiety in a more constructive way. Before I stuffed my face with chocolate I didn't even realize I was anxious. That's why I need to come up with a way to combat my work-related anxiety before it comes up again. I need to make time for myself, time for me to at least think I'm spending my life doing more than just sleeping and working.

Any suggestions? Is there something I can do that's just for me - something to keep me from chasing my chocolate high?

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

2010-08-16T09:08:00.000-07:00

First, let me clarify - when I say 'light' I mean lighter in weight. Yes - it's true, I, finally, after two weeks of gains, have lost weight! 154.2, my friends. I am so excited I can hardly express it - this is the lowest I've weighed since my Atkins days (and literally I mean a few days) during my senior year of high school.

I have lost hundreds of pounds over the years - the only problem, they're the same 8 pounds over and over, and over again. This number - 154.2 is just slightly lower than the bottom of my yo-yoing weight. I have broken through the 155 barrier and I am planning to continue strong.

Let me tell you about this 155 barrier. Usually, like what happened over the last couple weeks - I get to 155 and the gains start... and with the gains go my calorie-counting and exercising. Within a matter of days I'm back up to 163. The cycle has been going round and round for 10 years... but it ended this time.

This time everything was going according to plan - I lost weight, and on July 26th I hit 155.4 pounds. I went on, like I always do. One week later I gained a pound, gained. This is where I changed up my ten-year routine. Instead of giving up, I put in another week of eating well and exercising. When the next weigh-in came around I came in at 157.2. Another gain - almost a pound. So at this point I had gained 1.8 pounds. But still - somehow I pulled things together (you guys helped a ton!) and put in some work for another week. This week, I lost 3 pounds breaking the barrier. What's next? I'm not really sure. I usually don't make it this far. I have a feeling that there are some smaller numbers coming, numbers that I don't even know what look like on the scale! I can't wait for next week's weigh-in.

By the way - my goals, I followed through with almost all of them. I exercised 4 times this week and kept a log of my food. If you're interested just head over to the goals section of my blog!

Not Being Barbie

2010-08-14T18:25:00.000-07:00

My thighs. I hate them. Well, I used to hate them. We're working on our relationship. Although I'm not so pleased by their size, recently I've been trying to say nice things about them - they help me walk, stand, and even sit. Yes, they don't belong in a Victoria Secret catalog and are even bigger than most girls I work with. But still, what would I do without my strong thighs? How would I get from one place to another? How would I exercise, drive, dance? I love my thighs because without them I would have to give up everything I love.

When I was a teenager I read this poem in English class - it hit home then, and it hits home now. The way we look has come such an obsession in our society, that in some cases, we would do anything to reach perfection - even if that means up giving our lives. Maybe we're not all literally giving up our lives, but for me, I'm letting my weight consume me, define me, be me.

Barbie Girl

Marge Piercy

This girlchild was born as usual

and presented dolls that did pee-pee

and miniature GE stoves and irons

and wee lipsticks the color of cherry candy.

Then in the magic of puberty, a classmate said:

You have a great big nose and fat legs.

She was healthy, tested intelligent,
possessed strong arms and back,
abundant sexual drive and manual dexterity.
She went to and fro apologizing.
Everyone saw a fat nose on thick legs.

She was advised to play coy,
exhorted to come on hearty,
exercise, diet, smile and wheedle.
Her good nature wore out
like a fan belt.
So she cut off her nose and her legs
and offered them up.

In the casket displayed on satin she lay
with the undertaker's cosmetics painted on,
a turned-up putty nose,
dressed in a pink and white nightie.
Doesn't she look pretty? everyone said.
Consummation at last.
To every woman a happy ending.

Although I have never cut off my legs - I've gone on crazy diets, I've starved myself, and when it didn't work - I binged. That's not healthy. It's not okay to go to these extreme lengths all because I'm upset about being the "fat girl."

What do you think? Do you identify at all with this poem?

Two is Better Than One Three

2010-08-11T21:46:00.000-07:00

Taste has little to do with binging. Yes, it may start out as an innocent bite of something delicious, but after dozens of bites it turns into ravaging-animalistic quest to eat the most, the quickest.

Binging turns my favorite ice cream, chocolate or chips into a drug to numb my feelings. It's actually quite disgusting/embarrassing when I think about it - I go from taking a bite of something to throwing it into my mouth as fast as possible. It's all about leaving no crumbs behind. There's no thought process involved, just munching to munch. It's a blind attempt to fill my stomach as fast as possible.

This happened to me today, well, kind of. When I got home from work and running errands I was starving (that's the first sign that something bad will happen when I walk into the kitchen). While making lunch I opened the fridge to find leftover cupcakes - not your average cupcake, homemade lemon cupcakes filled with lemon curd and topped with lemon frosting. I can't deny that the flavor of these things is divine - probably one of the best treats I've ever had. That's why I grabbed one while making lunch. I enjoyed every bite of lemony goodness. When I was done I should have been able to be content - that taste had made an appearance in my day and that should have been enough. But, I'm obsessed with food - so I don't know what would make me think I could stop eating on this particular day with this particular food.

I grabbed a second cupcake. This one did not taste as good. I ate it in the same way you've see lions going at a wildebeest on the discovery channel - no mercy. I tore that thing apart pretty good - within seconds it was ~~gone~~ devoured.

I reached into the fridge for a third cupcake. Finally, the voice in my head woke up and started talking, telling me to back away from the treats. I followed orders and ate lunch instead.

After lunch, you will not believe this, my first thought was cupcake. (yeah, it wasn't even a full sentence. Just caveman-like "cupcake.") I was stuffed - two cupcakes and a full lunch doesn't leave a lot of room for more food.

I considered my options:
1) eat another cupcake
2) don't eat another cupcake

I considered how each option would play out:
1) by my binging standards I should definitely eat another one, but I already didn't feel good. I am stuffed and adding another 300 calorie cupcake won't help the matter. Will the cupcake even taste good, will those calories be worth it if I'm just throwing it down my throat?
2) if I don't eat a third the worst case scenario would be that I could have one tomorrow. By tomorrow I won't be stuffed, I can actually enjoy the sugary treasure.

Obviously the worst case scenario of the 2nd option was really not that bad. I took number two up on it's offer. I finished my day without adding a third cupcake to my log of calories.

Could an epiphany been nice before I got to the second cupcake? Yeah, but at least it came. I was able to walk away without feeling (too) stuffed.

My goal for next time - one is enough. One is better than two. But for today, because after all I'm a work in progress - two will have to be better than three! I'm counting this as a victory.

Living Life Moment
Today I had to go to the DMV. Instead of complaining I explained to my friend that I was thrilled to be there because my husband's car finally passed emissions. I was also very nice and talkative to the woman at the counter. A typically bad experience was a much better one instead!

An Inconvenient Truth

2010-08-10T08:19:00.000-07:00

The good news - I'm not going to talk about climate change. The bad news, no matter what I write about I'm heavier than I was this time last week! AH! Frustration. I gained .8 pounds this week - and here's the kicker, I ate under my calories every day and exercised four times!!

When I told my husband about my gain he assured me I would see a weight loss next week saying, "Think of Biggest Loser - they always have weeks where they don't lose and then it's followed by a huge weight loss. Or you're one of those people who are playing the game yelling, 'no Jillian I promise I didn't plan this.'" Well, I'm not playing a game I assure you.

I'm frustrated for sure, but not defeated. Last week was my first week on my new schedule of overnights and my body hasn't really adjusted just yet - especially, in the bathroom if you know what I mean. I'm going to get a little personal here so just skip on if you don't want to read about me and my adventures in the bathroom. I have only gone "number two" once this week! What is with that - it's like my regularly schedule mid-afternoon visit to the bathroom was my only chance to go, and now I'm sleeping during that time. I am really, really hoping that my gain is .8 pounds of you-know-what waiting to exit my body. Any ideas on what I should do? Has this happened to you?

Here's a look at my goals this week (aside from visiting the bathroom more often) and how I did last week:
-Lose some stupid weight! (failed, gained .8)
-Work out a minimum of 4 times (success - for the first time this summer I worked out four times in one week!)
-Keep a list of calories each day (check - I did this perfectly!)
~~-Only weigh myself on Mondays~~ (getting rid of this goal)
-Be able to run 5 miles (On track, ran 1.5 miles lastweek!)
-Live life in the present (Did a pretty good job last week, tried not to obsess too much about anything other than right now)

One Way or Another

2010-08-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

One way or another a problem with food was going to pry it's way into my life.
Over the last few days I've been trying to figure out when my obsession with the things I put in my body began. If you've been reading for awhile, you know the first time I realized I was bigger than the other girls in my neighborhood was in 3rd grade. My friends and I were running through the sprinklers when I noticed my thighs were bigger than my friends' legs. As a little 8-year-old I didn't think 'oh I'm too big, I need to eat less,' in fact, at that point, I didn't even tie food and the size-of-thighs together.

No, no - my obsession with calories, fat grams, and exercise didn't begin until my Freshman year in high school. I was in dance - I had to wear tight jazz pants and a spaghetti strap t-shirt next to my stick-thin co-dancers (these were flawless girls - one of them was even Miss Texas last year). Plus the whole "fat incident" which I wrote about here.

That year I only ate things under 5 grams of fat - slim fast bar for breakfast and for lunch, then low-fat frozen dinner. I didn't eat chocolate, sugar, pork, cheese - and the list went on. When I got home from school I would walk five miles - then I would spend two hours dancing.

Two years later I tried Atkins. That's when my bad relationship with food went to the other end of the spectrum - my binging began. The rest is history.

My relationship with food is deeper than just 'I love it and can't stop eating.' In fact, that's probably the case for most of us. I've realized a food disorder is not confined to anorexia or bulimia. It seems the world is not as quick to accept binge eating/overeating/compulsive eating as a disorder. At least for me, there is something in my mind that will not allow me to just be friends with food. Instead, I've been in a constant battle with food for over ten years - first it was undereating, now it's overeating. One way or another this food disorder, bad relationship with food, obsession with food - whatever you want to call it - was going to run my life. Now, it's time I fix it.

Opinions? Do you qualify your overeating as a disorder? If not, why? Which end of the spectrum are you on - anorexia or binging? Have you ever switched sides? Any advice on how you are fixing your relationship with food - I need all the help I can get!

Living Life Moment
Now it's time for the moment I really took life in and enjoyed it. Believe it or not, it actually happened at work. I had a great day at work and thoroughly enjoyed writing my show today. I had great stories and great teases! I was very proud, my anchors even gave me a pat on the back after the show.

Excuses, Excuses

2010-08-04T18:47:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago my church held a special challenge (I promise this won't be a religious post - so keep going!) that everyone in the congregation read scriptures daily with their families. To demonstrate the challenge half-a-dozen families were picked to report on their progress during Sunday School.

Each family had different circumstances - military family, newlyweds, empty-nesters, a family with young children, and a family with older children. Along with their different circumstances - they all had their different excuses about how they could not possibly take 10-15 minutes a day to read scriptures. My jaw dropped all the way to the ground by the end of the lesson as each couple stood in front of the crowd reporting their half-hearted attempt to read scripture. (Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel - but I also wasn't asked to talk about it in front of my entire congregation! If that's not motivation, I don't know what is!)

The military wife stood up first - she said something along the lines of "We were doing okay, but then my husband was deployed." Okay, that's understandable - a good excuse in my book.

Then the couple with young children stood up to report their results. They began explaining how it's hard to wrangle three young children when their father gets home from work - and how making sure dinner was on the table and the kids had baths was more important. Again, understandable.

Next, was the couple with teenagers. Their excuse - work and teen extracurricular activities got in the way. Been there, done that (as a teen) so I can understand.

Finally, the empty-nesters. Surely having no children at home would make it possible to read scriptures each day. I probably shouldn't have been shocked to hear yet another excuse - as I had already heard several others - but again an excuse. The husband started with, "I work 12 hours a day." Yadda, yadda, yadda - we don't have time to read scriptures.

Okay - now to my point. Thanks for bearing with me.

I've been thinking about all those excuses a lot today because I just started a new schedule and am gladly latching on to my newest excuse to skip exercise! My new schedule is Monday - Friday overnights. Working from 10 p.m. to 8 the next morning and then sleeping from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. makes everything else impossible!

I didn't exercise today. My excuse - my too-crazy-to-do-anything schedule. Okay, so it is a good excuse for the time being. So say I just decided to skip exercise all together while I'm on this schedule. Then when I have my first baby what will I do? Will life be getting any easier? What about when my kids are teens - will it be easier to squeeze in a measly 30 minutes of physical activity? Finally, when my kids are out of the house - will I still not have time to exercise? Anything can be an excuse, but not everything can be a priority.

If I want exercise to be part of my life - it's up to me to make it part of my life. I can't just hope my boss will come to me and say, "Oh so you haven't been able to exercise with this schedule - now let me change it for you." (who's to say I wouldn't come up with a whole new excuse with a new schedule!) Life will never get less-stressful or easier - it's now or never. I have to make exercising a priority or it won't happen. Now on to the gym - oh wait, I have to make dinner.

Living Life Moment
As promised, I'm writing about the moment I really took life in today. Well, it didn't happen. But I have an example of a moment I should have sat back and enjoyed life. My husband picked me up from work (we're having car troubles). We had about 15 minutes to talk and have fun with each other - and we did, but I wasn't really taking it all in or enjoying it. Instead I was thinking about what was coming next, how I would format my day, and of course complaining about my work day. My living life moments don't have to be something extravagant, but can be something as simple as taking the time to enjoy my husband. Well, I'll give it a better try tomorrow!

+1 (pound)

2010-08-02T21:06:00.000-07:00

Too bad I'm not talking about my guest to the wedding I went to this weekend. Instead, I'm talking about the lovely scale. I gained a pound. This is probably the first time that I'm not upset about the gain. I had an insane week - I spent three days on the road, eating out everyday, all day. I had planned for it in this post. Here's how things worked out:

Exercise:

Between Friday - Sunday I worked out once. Luckily there was a gym at the hotel I stayed at. I jogged/walked for 30 minutes on Friday after arriving at the hotel.

Friday Goals:

I made a goal to skip the dinner roll at the wedding reception. I did just that! Later my husband told me it was a marginal roll that was so hard he could hardly rip it apart. I ate about half of the dinner. The slice of wedding cake was tiny, I ate only about 2/3s of it - which was not very much.

Saturday Goals:

Breakfast in the hotel was cereal and fat free milk, as planned. I also had a banana. For lunch my hubby and I went to California Pizza Kitchen. I skipped my regular pizza order for a salad, but my husband let me have one single slice. I had some sunflower seeds while driving - probably not the best idea, but hey, it was better than the Frito's calling my name during the drive. I made the worst choice of all at dinner - quesadilla at an authentic Mexican restaurant, along with chips to start. However, I did not eat all of the chips - I stopped way before my entree arrived. Plus, the eating ended when I was full!

Sunday Goals:

For breakfast I had 2 mini fruit parfaits at McDonalds - and I skipped on the hash brown that my husband apparently ordered for me. At lunch my husband and I were in line at a place with fried chicken and philli cheese steak. I pulled myself together to leave the line - and went to another shop with fresh sandwiches. I had a veggie sandwich on homemade bread, it was delicious (and expensive - lame Universal Studios prices). On the ride home I bought a pack of mnm's - I was craving them all week. I bought just a small pack instead of the usual medium size pack I buy on road trips. I didn't have dinner on Sunday.

As far as my Summer Focus goals - I failed every single one. This week will be much better - here's where I'm tracking those goals.

These are my goals for the upcoming week:

1 - Lose some weight - to lose my goal of 16 pounds I need to get back on track by losing 2 pounds this week.

2 - Working out 4 times a week is not that hard - I just need to do it. I always push it back to the last four days of the week - but this week I'm going to get them done in the first four days.

3 - Keep 100% calories

4 - Weigh myself only on Monday

5 - Run at least 1.5 miles

6 - Remember to live life, for each post I will mention the moment I remembered to live life that day

Living Life Moment

Today I played battleship with my husband! It was a blast - we were both fighting to be the Americans in a war scenario. In fact at one point we both started signing USA Pride songs - pretty ridiculous. I adore him. And by the way, we tied!

Living Life

2010-08-02T11:09:00.000-07:00

My life revolves around food and the way I look. Most days my thoughts are focused on how much my thighs are jiggling, or how my teeth are slowly moving inward ruining my once-perfect smile. I think about how the dry heat is causing dandruff and wrinkles and how chocolate is the enemy. When I look at a menu at a restaurant I mentally calculate the calories each meal would cost me. When I try to sleep I think about how I don't have matching shoes for the outfit I want to wear tomorrow. I know - pathetic. I'm not sure when I got so obsessed about my image, but I think about it all the time.

This weekend I realized there is so much more to how I look, the things that matter in life are not matching earrings and high heel shoes. It's not a size zero waist and perfect, perky boobs - the thing that matters, the one thing that I should really be thinking about all day is love, relationships, healthy, family and friends. Sometimes my obsession with my weight and food becomes first place... pushing all the most important things about life into second, third and even fourth place. Sometimes being skinny becomes more important than being healthy, and a small waist pushes my husband's out of the way.

This week I got to see one of my best friends marry a man she adores. It was so awesome! When I saw her look at her soon-to-be husband after walking down the aisle I could see so much love in her eyes. I started crying - I had no idea I would cry. It was just so awesome to see how much love she had for this man that she was about to marry, to see two people beginning their lives together with so much happiness.

The next day I went to the Relay for Life. I bought a luminary for my cousin that would have turned 20 this month. She passed away three years ago of Leukemia. I stood by my aunt, cousin, and dozens of other people who had lost their loved ones to cancer. We remembered the life, charisma and larger-than-life spirit my little cousin brought into our lives. A teenager that knew her life was ending, but still enjoyed it to the fullest.

I've just been thinking about life. Life can't begin and end with food like it does for me right now. When I wake up I don't think about my snuggly husband lying beside me - I think about my breakfast options in the kitchen. There have been times where I can't wait for him to go to sleep so I can binge on something delicious.

Although this is easier said than done - there needs to be some kind of balance. I really feel if I can fix my relationship with food I'll be able to have stronger relationships with the people around me. Since my husband quit taking pain pills he has stronger relationships with his brothers, parents and me.

My ~~obcession~~ addiction is keeping me from enjoying life to the fullest. I keep telling myself life will be more fun, cooler and everything I dreamed when I lose 20 pounds. Well, guess what - I'm sick of waiting to be 140 pounds to enjoy life. I can enjoy life right now. Of course I still want to lose that weight and I'm still on my way - but if life is all about the journey, then I can enjoy the journey of losing weight too, right?! So there. Take that, stupid 20 pounds that are trying to ruin my life.

(I'll have an update on my goals and how eating went later today!)

Game Plan

2010-07-29T20:38:00.000-07:00

~~This week has been unsuccessful to say the least!~~ It's been a tough week - 4 days down, with spotty eating and no exercising. I still have three days left to turn this puppy around. Unfortunately, the next three days will be kind of tricky because I'm going out of town

Today I told my mom I must have purposely sabotaged this week because I knew my long weekend at the end of this week would ruin anything I did anyway. First, can I just say that's ridiculous thinking. My mom said this, "It stinks to be out of control on vacation." It's true - being "out of control" with my eating/exercise sucks! It's the worst, not to mention when I go on vacation. That's why I'm sharing my Friday-Sunday plan. If I share this with you now, I'll have to be accountable later.

Friday - Leaving to California around 10 a.m.
That means I have time to work out in the morning. It's going to be a hectic morning - I'm aiming for 1 hour, but if it doesn't happen I'll let myself slide with just 30 minutes.
I will pack lunch for my husband and I.
Dinner is going to be at one of my best friend's weddings. I ordered chicken so it shouldn't be too bad, however I am going to skip the dinner roll. (I've been carb-happy this week!) Also, I'll decide on cake once I'm there. If it's a flavor I love I'll have a few bites. If not, I'll just skip it.

Saturday - Waking up in a hotel isn't going to be easy! (ugh!)
My hotel doesn't have a work-out room, so I won't get any exercise in this day.
Hotel breakfast usually includes some kind of cereal... that will be my plan.
Lunch on the road - ugh - my vote will be for Wendy's or some place that has salad
Dinner - fancy on the beach! Again, I'll be ordering salad, grilled chicken, or shrimp

Sunday -
Morning run on the beach! I hope this works out, I don't know if my husband will be okay with me ditching him at my uncle's house. We'll see, cross your fingers for me.
Breakfast - I'm going to grab some NutriGrain bars for the road, I'll eat one this morning.
Lunch - at Universal Studios. All I can hope for is salad or grilled chicken.
Dinner - on the way home - vote for salad.

Monday weigh-in might be kind of unfortunate, but I'm putting my best effort - NOW. I'll let you know how it goes. Just wishing, hoping, thinking and praying...

Uncomfortable, Comfort Zone

2010-07-28T14:25:00.000-07:00

On Monday I weighed in at 154.8. I cannot express how excited I was to see a 4 after that 15. I haven't seen that number since I was a senior in high school (and even then it was short-lived, I was on Atkins and as many of us know - that's a disaster!).

154.8. Just .2 pounds under my wedding weight. That number 154 is my new best friend - at least, I thought. So apparently because I've lost the 10 pounds that I am really good at losing I've decided to stop all efforts to lose weight and be healthy. What is wrong with me?!!

Every single time I've reached 155 (or less!) I lose my mind. Eating well and exercising are the first to go. Then I start adding bad foods back to my diet. Why do I do this? Am I afraid of being skinny? Am I sick of dieting?

This is what I'm thinking - I'm the fat girl. I'm always the fat girl - just a little bit chubbier than all my friends, I wear the biggest size pants, I have the biggest chest, and I am the only one that can't share clothes. Obviously that's not where I want to be. Obviously I want to borrow my friend's dress for the wedding I'm going to this weekend. Obviously I want to go shopping without hiding the number on the pants. But somehow I can't convince ~~my brain, my heart~~ - something inside me, that being skinny will be good.

I am just so attached to this 'fat girl' persona. I don't know who I will be without being the fat girl. What will my place in my groups of friends be? What if I fail when I try to get a new job? How can I still be funny without being the funny fat girl. Everything about me, since I was in 3rd grade, has revolved around the fact that I'm fat. How can I survive without that? That's like dying my hair blonde or going gothic. Right?

I need to throw out my fear. Somehow I need to move on, be proud, and strong because afterall, being in this "fat girl" comfort zone, is not all that comfortable.

Are any of you afraid to leave your chubbier self behind? What do you do to remind yourself living a healthy lifestyle is okay? HELP - before my scale crawls all the way back up to where I started!

An Apple a Day...

2010-07-26T06:58:00.000-07:00

It's week 3 of the Summer Challenge and I have once again lost some weight! In two weeks I've lost 5.4 pounds - 5.4 pounds. A couple people have asked me how, and I've figured it out.

First let me tell you what it's not - it's not avoiding all snacks and sugar (this week alone I've had 2 slices of pie, 3 bites of frozen hot chocolate, 2 popsicles, crackers & cheese and a cinnamon roll). And my secret is definitely not getting to the gym everyday - only made it twice. It's not following all of my goals - I only kept one this week. In fact, my weight loss has nothing to do with my goals.

It has to do with something I read earlier this month, "If you’re not hungry enough to eat an apple, then you’re not hungry."

Snacking is my biggest downfall. I get off work before noon - in the past I've headed to the cabinet for chips. I usually devour a couple of the lunch-sized packages of Cheetos before making my lunch. Lunch - because I'm just so hungry and can't stand to wait more than 30 seconds for food - would usually be nachos. After lunch I have about 3 hours before my husband gets home. In that time I traditionally watch TV while making cookies, brownies, or just munching on anything I could find - pudding, cheese & crackers, chips, popcorn, anything. My excuse for eating for 4 hours straight was first boredom, then it was that I was stressed, then it was "I don't know, but something is wrong."

Over the last two weeks I've skipped my 4-hour long snacking. Yes, I've had snacks - but not continuously. Each time I've felt hungry I've walked into the kitchen and thought, "Am I hungry enough to eat an apple?" I look at the bowl of apples - if I don't want one I leave the kitchen. If I want one, I have a snack (not always an apple - but something healthier than chips.)

Cutting down my snacking is by far the biggest change I've made over the last two weeks and if apples are going to keep the doctor, dentist, snacking and five pounds away - I am in.

Crackers Don't Fix Problems (and neither does cheese)

2010-07-23T15:48:00.000-07:00

Instead of writing yesterday, I decided to snack - four cheese wedges and a dozen crackers. Of course during my mini-binge I was thinking about what I was doing. Cracker after cracker - I couldn't stop. I just kept spreading on the cheese and devouring the crackers. Why? Last week I had a near perfect week - I stayed within my calories each day and had a great weight loss. Why couldn't I stop myself yesterday?

Today I'm looking back, because hindsight is 20/20 I have a better idea of what I was thinking.

First of all, I weighed myself when I got home from work. I was back at my last week's weight. Well, duh. I weighed myself in the middle of the afternoon - what could I have possibly expected? (Hence the stupid goal not to weigh myself. I think I'm going to talk my husband into hiding the scale).

Second, my work day was awful. It was a breakdown kind of day. In fact, at one point I almost started crying. The 2 1/2 hour show I write for is losing more than half of its staff - meaning my job is turning into three jobs on August 4th. Plus, my weeks are going to turn into 6, 10+ hour days. I've known about this for a week or so, but yesterday during a series of meetings it really hit me - I am losing my life to a job I marginally like.

Third, anxiety. I was feeling really anxious about my blog design. I hadn't talked to my designer that day. I was just anxious wondering when would it be done, when could I show it off.

It's really obvious that all these things played a role in my cracker frenzy. Luckily I went for these crackers and not the pie sitting in my fridge. I added an extra 300 calories to my diet that day, but my life's not over. I'm dusting myself off (literally, there were cracker crumbs everywhere) and getting back up for the next leg of the weightloss road.

The crackers didn't solve one problem. The only thing in my life it put a dent in was, well, the package of crackers. There's still 4-6 weeks (my news director's estimation, so really 4-6 months) of stress ahead of me. Since self-medicating with crackers isn't helping in the least, I'm making a game plan.

When stress kicks in I will:
-yoga/dance/run
-watch a movie/read a book
-sleep (I know running away from my feelings, but it's better than drowning my stress in ice cream!)
-talk my husband into taking a walk
-take a bath with the works

Any other stress-releaving ideas - ways to escape? I'm gonna need it - I already need it!

New Me, New Design

2010-07-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a short post - I hope you all love my new blog design. I was getting bored of the green 70s puke color! This will be a little easier on the eyes! Maddie over at 2xdesign did it! I highly recommend her! Thanks for stopping by - I promise I will have a posting tomorrow at the latest!

Crampin' My Style

2010-07-21T12:16:00.000-07:00

I usually know something's a problem when my husband notices it - this falls into that category.

A couple weeks ago I was complaining about, yes, the 20 pounds I want to lose when my husband interjected something along the lines of, "You throw all of your hard work away during a few days every month." I instantly knew he was talking about the week of my lovely visitor, "Mother Nature." I was kind of taken aback that he realized my calorie intake went so far up during the week of my period. I probably gain around 5 pounds during this awful week! It's hard though - and most of you probably understand - the cravings, the cramps - how do I not skip the gym and grab some chocolate? That's not a rhetorical question - seriously, how do I not skip the gym and grab some chocolate?

This week, the week, I'm trying to stay focused on my goals and not on my pain. On day three I've done pretty good- with eating well each day and exercising yesterday.

Usually, I grab a bag of DOVE chocolates the instant I feel any kind of pain. This week I'm realizing those DOVE chocolates don't actually help anything. In fact, most of the time I don't think I'm actually having a craving as I am making an excuse to eat poorly. I mean, seriously, does pizza really help anything?

As far as the exercise goes - this week I decided I would be easy on myself. Yesterday I went to the gym with the intention of walking uphill on the treadmill. It went so well that I put in some sprints and jog intervals after a half hour. And I was fine! Usually I am just too sick to even get out of bed, but after yesterday's workout my cramps have been really moderate! I've heard rumors that exercise helps with cramps - but usually I'm too sick to test out the theory. Maybe there is truth to it (although I've been eating a ridiculous number of ibuprofen so it's hard to say).

Sorry Mother Nature, you're not crampin' my style this month!

The Pie: Part 2

2010-07-21T10:07:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to follow up and say I have not eaten any pie. I keep telling myself that I can have pie anytime I want so it's not vital that I have it at this moment! So far it's working, and I'm not adding hundreds of calories in one sitting (but I will, at another time)!

By the way, here's the pie:

The Pie.

2010-07-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

I'm about a dozen feet away from the most delicious pie I've ever tasted. There are four slices left, an estimated 2,760 calories. And guess who's guilty of putting the pie in the fridge? Me! I did it.

For the last week or so my husband has been bugging me to make a Marie Callender's pie from a copycat recipe my friend found online. Last week I decided I would make the pie on Monday to celebrate his 6 months clean (yay!).

All week long I've been prepping myself for the temptation. I decided I would eat one slice and let the leftovers sit in my fridge untouched! Yesterday was the day I had prepared myself for. I made the pie without licking the spoon or the bowel. I let the pie sit in the fridge for a full 4 hours before helping myself. I cut the pie into 6 even slices and slowly enjoyed every bite. Now, the hardest part - avoiding the temptation to eat the remaining four slices. So far, so good.

The slice I had last night was sinfully delicious and well worth it - now I'm trying to teach my body that it was enough. I didn't feel guilty when I ate the piece of pie last night. It's okay to eat a slice of pie, it's not okay to eat an entire pie. I want to know that anytime I want a single slice of pie I can have it. I just need to figure out how to only want pie (and other goodies) just once in awhile.

Now, I need to tell you about this pie. My husband and I discovered it at Marie Callender's two weeks ago. In a matter of four days we ate two full pies. I didn't think much of our pie binge until I told my friend about the delicious dessert. She found the aforementioned recipe and made her own.

This is the really crazy part - the day after our conversation she told me she made the pie. I immediately asked her if it was good. She told me she hadn't tasted it yet! What?! She seriously let an entire chocolate pie with Oreo crust sit in her fridge for more than one hour. She explained that it had to be refrigerated for 4 hours, but still, I have been known to eat things way before they're done cooling.

Now this story gets even more bizarre. The next day she brought more than half of the pie into work. She gave the leftover pieces to our co-workers. My jaw dropped. This pie sat in her fridge for more than 48 hours and she managed to eat less than half. I remembered asking myself, Why can't that be me? Why can't I do that?

Well, I want to do that. I want to be unaffected by food. I want to know something's delicious, but not feel like I must have it immediately. This is a great step - I went a week without making it, then I only ate one slice, and now I'm not even feeling like grabbing a slice. I hope this will help me mend my relationship with food. Stupid pie.

The Versatile Award

2010-07-20T07:35:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to have recieved the Versatile Blogger award! It comes from one of my favorite bloggers, Karen at Waisting Time! If you haven't yet, you must take a look around her blog. Her writing is smart, witting and inspirational! Thanks Karen for the award!

These are the award's rules:
1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs.
4. Let your nominees know about the award.

Here's the 7 things about me (and not about food!)
1. I love the fall. It's probably my favorite season - especially in Boston or Portland, Oregon.
2. I'm clincally OCD (which may have to be it's own blog at some point).
3. I adore pigs. If I had to choose a pet to have I would chose a pig. I think they are so cute!
4. I love the Disney channel. I could watch "The Suite Life" and "Wizards of Waverly Place" all day long.
5. I love pictures - pictures of everything, old and new.
6. Red is my color, but not my favorite color. I look best in it, but I think I like pink better.
7. I'm horrible at living in the present. I obcess about the future and past all the time.

I am still pretty new to the blogosphere and don't have a lot of blogs I read daily, yet! So I don't have quite 15 blogs to award The Versatile Award too, but I do have these favorites:
Diet Buddy Daily
The Right Fit
Confessions of a Recovering Compulsive Eater
The Binge Diary
Does the Blog Make Me Look Fat?
The Final Countdown
Adios, Fat Pants

One Week Down, 7 To Go

2010-07-19T10:51:00.000-07:00

This week seemed like the longest of my life. Work was crazy, my personal life was crazy and I didn't get anything done! How can I be constantly on the move, but still not finish my checklist?

I'm pretty excited about my first week of the Summer Challenge!

Here's my goal report:
1. Lose 2 pounds a day - check!
I actually almost doubled that - losing 3.8 pounds. I now weigh 157! It's a little premature to get excited about this because this is the bottom of my yo-yoing range. This week I really need to prove to myself that I can keep eating healthy and working out.
2. Work out a minimum of 4 times a week - FAILED!
I only worked out twice last week. Less than half of my goal. This week I really need to make it happen and not let myself make excuses.
3. Keep a 100% accurate list of my calorie intake - ALMOST!
I kept track of everything I ate between Monday and Friday. My work schedule on the weekend is overnights and it's hard for me to stay on top of everything. That's hardly an excuse though, and I'll specifically focus on that this week. Even though I didn't write everything down, I'm about 90% positive I stayed within my calories.
4. Only weigh myself on Mondays - FAILED!
Okay, I'm lame. Maybe I should be giving myself grades because an F is harsh. This would be around a C. I weighed myself twice this week.
5. Be able to run 5 miles - SUCCESS!
I ran one mile this week, well on the way running 5 by the end of the week!

Overall I'm pretty proud of myself - I skipped a lot, and I mean a lot, of snacking opportunities. That probably played a huge role in my weight loss.

This Week:
I need to follow through! I'm happy about my weight loss, but I want to prove to myself that I can keep promises I make to myself. This week I will specifically be focused on goal 3 - writing down everything I eat!

Dying of Stress

2010-07-17T12:46:00.000-07:00

I don't think I can really type up a coherent blog at the moment. I've been awake for 35 hours straight. Yesterday when I tried to sleep - I stressed instead. Yes, I got 20 minutes of sleep and 7 hours & 40 minutes of stressing.

I try counting 100 to 1. That doesn't work. I try to focus on breathing, that doesn't work. I try to write all the things I'm thinking about, that doesn't work.

What works for you? What helps you fall asleep when you have a zillion other things going on.

I'm exhausted now - I'm dizzy, and just found myself drooling. Gross. Apparently, I'm sleep-blogging. Sorry, it's a bad blog - I'm desperate for advice. I'll try anything (and I don't want to have to take a sleeping pill). I was planning to today, but the dizziness and drooling seem to be pretty good indicators that I'll be able to sleep.

Calories, Vanity Weight & Jillian Michaels

2010-07-16T11:47:00.000-07:00

Today I met Ali Vincent! For those of you who don't know, she's the first female winner of "The Biggest Loser." I absolutely love that show, and if you watch people go through a weight loss journey you really feel like they are part of your life.

Right when I met Ali I began picking her brain.

First - what in the world are they eating on "The Biggest Loser." I feel like I just can't master what to eat, when to eat it, how much of it to eat. Ali says she ate 1200 calories while on the ranch. (Keep in mind that she's 5'5). Now she eats up to 2500 calories because of her intense workouts and because she is no longer trying to lose weight.

BUT - no matter how many calories you choose to eat you should separate them this way. According to Ali, you should split your calories into 4 equal parts - use three of the sections for meals and the fourth section for pre and post workout snacks.

Oh and I have to tell you this tip - it's going to change my sister's life - "eating after 5 p.m. is crap." If you're working out after 5 p.m. there needs to be ~~calories~~ fuel for that workout.

As you all know, I'm trying to lose 20 pounds. She looked at me and said, "You look great, you look physically healthy - for you it's not about saving your life. It's about vanity weightloss." Oh the lovely "vanity weight." She said her last 20 pounds were the hardest. Thanks for the encouragement Ali. Really though, it got me thinking. I do want to weigh less, I want to look better in a swim suit, and I want to be able to pull off skinny jeans - so it makes sense, vanity. BUT I have such a bad relationship with food. My life may not be in trouble physically, but mentally I have something I need to work out. There's a reason I have food following me around taunting me.

Now to the gossip, well kind of. I asked her about Jillian Michael's new show "Losing It with Jillian." She told me she had a hard time watching it because it's so much in so little time. On The Biggest Loser Ranch they have months where they work with the trainers, on the Losing It show - they have one week. I asked, "I just don't get it, how can Jillian come in and all of a sudden they know how to lose weight?" Ali says they all get a lot of help - trainers, etc. It's good to know I'm just not missing something. Oh and she rolled her eyes at some point during this conversation, hmmm? I still love Jillian Michael's show!

All in all, Ali is a sweetheart. She was very nice to my co-workers and I. It was a great to meet someone who inspired me (and America) while changing her own life!

Now I just need a nice long chat (no yelling) with Jillian.

My Marriage is Making Me Fat

2010-07-14T13:23:00.000-07:00

Since starting this summer challenge (and every time I start any challenge/weight loss plan/diet) my husband seems to have a hankering for junk food. In just two days he's enticed me with cake, Marie Callender's pie, popcorn, and Ben & Jerry's (twice). I kid you not. I said no to everything. He only ended up buying Ben & Jerry's and popcorn - I watched him eat both. Does he want me to stay fat forever?

When my husband went into rehab for a pain pill addiction the people at the facility advised me to go to my own meetings. They're meetings for co-dependent spouses and family members called Nar-Anon. Basically their definition of a co-dependent person is anyone who enables an addict and anyone who will deal with their spouse's addiction just so things don't change. I threw a fit about not being co-dependent and didn't go to the Nar-Anon meetings (I did go to the intensive outpatient to support my husband, just so you know I am supportive!)

I know my husband loves me and wants me to succeed, but at the same time I think he doesn't want me to change. That includes changing the way I look. I think he's worried --at least subconsciously -- that part of my personality will change, maybe I won't love him as much, or will leave him or something. We've known each other since high school and I've always been yo-yoing around this weight. In his eyes my weight is tied to who I am, and he doesn't want me to lose that (literally).

For almost all the years I've known my husband he's been addicted to pills unbeknownst to me. When I found out, I was truly terrified that he would change into a different person without them. I remember thinking what if the person I married isn't who he really is? But that wasn't enough for me to risk him dying (see I'm not co-dependent) and I dropped him off at rehab. I took a chance, and he's about 10X better clean!!

I guess I'll just have to be "clean" and prove to him I'm the same person. But seriously, I don't down a pint of lortabs in front of him!

The Weight Box

2010-07-13T07:59:00.000-07:00

When I was in junior high I asked my mom to buy a "weight box." It's hard to believe that there was a time when I didn't know what a scale was called. Now not only do I know what the little box that holds all my secrets is called, I am obsessed with it. Obsessed.

Yesterday I made a list of goals as I started a 8 week summer challenge. So far, the hardest goal to defeat was the one that looked the easiest - only weigh myself on Mondays. This morning it took all I had to avoid digging through the bathroom cabinet to grab the scale that I hid yesterday. I hurried to the kitchen and ate breakfast - because I cannot weigh myself after eating.

A couple years ago I read that it's best to weigh yourself everyday so you can keep track of where you are - what works and what doesn't. Perfect excuse to continue my obsession. But my mom hates that idea. I've told her a hundred times about this article and she always tells me no, it's bad - the scale is my total undoing. She'll explain how she'll be on a roll with exercise and healthy eating but when the scale doesn't reflect that she loses it.

My mom is probably right - that I shouldn't weigh ourselves everyday. I can think of a billion times that I've reached 155 pounds and I just go crazy. I start shoveling things into my mouth until I weigh 160 lbs. again. Last week I put in some strong workouts on Monday and Tuesday. On Wednesday the scale said I was 2 pounds heavier. WHAT!?!?!?? Well, all I can say is I did not workout the rest of the week.

I don't want my whole life to revolve around what my scale tells me. I'm pretty happy about the fact that I didn't weigh myself today... of course I'm still thinking about next Monday when I can, but at some point I hope to stop thinking about the stupid scale... and one day even forget what it's called :)

In It to Win It!

2010-07-12T09:16:00.000-07:00

I am really excited because I have joined my first online support group! I'm lucky to have come across Summer Diet Buddies - so special thanks to Diet Buddy who is behind the Summer challenge!

Everytime I set up a goal or challenge for myself I am always only accountable to one person - me. I think it is easier to give up when you don't have anyone to answer to. That's one of the reasons I'm really excited to be part of this group. The other reason - inspiration!! I need all the help I can get, and to hear other people's stories, triumphs and failures is really helpful.

The challenge lasts through September 7th, that's just about eight weeks (by the way, you can sign up anytime... head over to Diet Buddy's page to do so). These are my goals for the next 8 weeks:

-Lose 10% of my body weight. That's 16 pounds and totally doable because it's two pounds a week.
-Work out a minimum of 4 times a week and up to 5 times.
-Keep a 100% accurate list of my calorie intake
-Only weigh myself on Mondays
-Be able to run 5 miles (to prep myself for December 1/2 marathon!)

I really think I can accomplish these goals. While thinking about them this morning I debated with myself whether or not to make them easier (specifically the weight loss goal) just so I could accomplish my goals. But I've decided it's better to reach for the stars than to set myself up to do less than I actually can. Ah, wish me luck. I can do this - seriously, in it to win it for myself.

Just Say No

2010-07-11T18:13:00.000-07:00

Since I was a little kid I've been learning to "just say no." Most of my childhood was in the 90s which means I went through the D.A.R.E program a dozen times, I saw pictures of a human lung covered in tar even more times than that, and wrote speeches about why I would never smoke. I heard stories about the guy who was going to smoke just one cigarette and died of lung cancer 40 years later. I acted out peer pressure scenarios in front of my class where I would emphatically deny any drug. I started practicing 'saying no' to drugs when I was 6. By the time I hit junior high saying yes wasn't even an option. I have never picked up a cigarette in my life. I've never even had the slightest desire to do so. I've had friends that smoked, but it never seemed too cool to live without.

The point is, why can I be so good at saying no to drugs, but can't even muster up the courage to say no to a piece of pie! Eating can be just as dangerous as chain smoking. Okay, that may sound dramatic but seriously - diabetes, heart disease, early death. Even this week a new study from Kaiser Permanente says obese children have up to a30% - 40% higher chance of having reflux disease. Terrifying because that can majorly damage your esophagus which could lead to esophageal cancer.

Not to mention the years obesity can cut from our lives. An extra 80 pounds can be responsible for cutting 12 years off your life. How about this little tidbit - 95 million years of life in the U.S. were lost back in 2008, all because of obesity. If that's not worth 'saying no' to, I don't know what is.

I wish I could say I'm ready to 'say no,' I wish I could do it as simply as it sugests just say no. Like it's just the obvious choice - say no to extra slices of cake, say no to an entire box of crackers, or package of twizzlers. While writing this I realized it's not going to be just a moment of enlightment - where I just stop overeating and start taking care of myself. Instead, it's going to take years of practice. Maybe if I had been offered a cigarette in my first day of D.A.R.E I would have taken it. I practiced 'saying no' a good 7 years before I ever actually had to say no. I don't have the leisure of time here, but everytime I say no I think it will help. It's just more practice than I had the day before.

The Process

2010-07-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

the crunch, the taste, the powder on my fingers.
Eating white cheddar Cheez Its is about more than just eating for me. It's about the process.

My recovering addict honey has explained to me dozens of times - that his addiction to pain pills wasn't just about the chemical addiction, but that there was mental aspects to it to, specifically when he prepared to take his drugs. He says everything from buying the pills to taking them was part of his addiction - the process is what he calls it. I don't love the whole drug-taking process so I'll spare you, but this week I realized oh my gosh, I do that with food. Shocker - I know.

Let me get this straight, it's not all food, but some fall into this category. Included the white cheddar Cheez-It. I slowed down in the grocery store last week and spent a good 45 seconds debating with myself whether I should buy it or not. Fortunately I was able to muster up some strength and kept on going. Since that day I haven't been able to stop thinking about the tiny little crackers of goodness. The whole thing - opening the package, grabbing one or two with just my thumb and pointer finger. Then I put them in the center of my mouth where I crush the cracker against the top of my mouth - letting it melt in my mouth. Then I have plenty of powder on my fingers to lick off.

I really don't know that I've ever thought of food in this way, that is until this week. It made me realize, once again, that I have an obcession... an addiction. I think I just have to handle it as such - avoid the things I can't handle.

Hiding in my Fat

2010-07-09T09:11:00.000-07:00

Being fat is so much easier than being a failure. At least I think.

I've decided my whole problem is this: I have to be fat, otherwise I'll have nothing to blame for my failures. Right now if someone doesn't want to hang out with me or hates me I can rest easy knowing it's because I'm fat. Right now, if I get passed up on a job I know it's because of my twenty extra pounds.

For instance, I've always wanted to be a dancer. I was a dancer and cheerleader in high school, but I didn't go out for the college team because, well, you guessed it - I was too fat. Then I slept through tryouts for a basketball team - again, because I was too fat. Even this year, there was a tryout for a minor basketball team. When I saw the information I thought - if only I could lose 20 pounds in the next week. In the end, I didn't try out. I didn't even seriously consider attempting to lose the weight. It's one of the only things I'm amazing at, but I'll never have to prove it because I am just too fat.

Another thing I'll never have to prove, that I'm an amazing reporter. My whole life I've wanted to be a TV reporter. I started in radio (because I have a body for it) and then moved on to TV behind the cameras. I've been working in the industry for 5 years now and I have yet to be on TV, reporting. Even going back to college I remember thinking that I had to lose 20 pounds before I could be a good reporter. I'm still thinking that. It's ridiculous too because there are, although few, anchors and reporters that are bigger than me. Right now, again, I'm not accomplishing this goal because I'm too fat. My boss hates me because I'm too fat. I don't look like I could be in this market because... drum roll... I'm too fat. There is good news - at least I'm not failing because I just suck. At least I'm failing for a reason - I'm fat.

It's a stupid excuse and I have to stop relying on it. I'm going to start living my life today - with or without 20 extra pounds. I'm going to buy a new outfit and enjoy it will I can. I'm going to apply for jobs I deserve. Ah - these stupid 20 pounds cannot rule my life forever, I'm over them.

Day 9 - Calories that Count

2010-06-25T15:01:00.000-07:00

My mom says Weight Watchers stopped working for her when she figured out she could have 5 packages of MnM's as long as she didn't eat anything else all day.

1 packages of MnM's = 5 points
5 packages of MnM's = 25 points

Last week I didn't go over my calories once, but I wasn't necessarily eating healthy calories. I was adding calories like a small bag of chips, ranch, or carbs. By the time I started thinking about adding veggies, fruits, protein and calcium to my day I didn't have enough calories to do it. That's why I'm setting a goal for week 2 of my 8 week plan. My goal is to skip foods that only add calories to my diet - chips, toast, etc. I will focus on adding five fruits and veggies, two milk servings, and one serving of protein.

Here's an example:

Breakfast:
Whole Wheat English Muffin w/Jelly = 150 calories with no servings of fruits, veggies, milk, or protein
Slim Fast Shake (I make this out of the powder which requires milk, strawberries and a banana) =270 calories with 2 servings of fruit and 1 of milk

I know that's a lot more calories, but they're smartER calories.

I've heard you should try to have more veggies than fruits. If I had that shake for breakfast I could focus on adding the vegetables throughout the rest of the day.

So here you have it: Before I bite anything I'm going to ask myself if it will add calories that count!
Wish me luck - I have popcicles in the freezer that are looking pretty tasty about now. (they are only 90 calories, maybe I'll stop by after I've reached my servings goals.)

Day 8 - LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

2010-06-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

It's day 8 of my 60-Day Challenge. So far, I'm doing pretty good. I went on vacation and got a visit from "mother nature" - meaning exercising went out the window. However, I did not go over my calories any of the days.

Today - I'm being haunted by chocolate. Hence the title of this blog post, "leave me alone." Chocolate is everywhere I go, everywhere.

When my husband first went into NA (Narcotics Anonymous) I went to a few outpatient meetings. I remember feeling so bad for the alcoholics in the meetings. My husband and I had dozens of conversations about how he was lucky that he wasn't an alcoholic. Alcohol is 1 - everywhere and 2 - socially acceptable (and sometimes it even seems socially required). Alcohol is used in business and pleasure. One girl in the meetings was a young professional - hooked on alcohol. She would talk about how she wanted to go on a work retreat to the wine country and wanted to hang out with clients and colleagues at the bar. She quickly followed that with the admission that she didn't drink like a wine connoisseur, but instead downed full bottles of vodka in her bedroom.

I think I felt so much emotion for these alcoholics because I identified with them. I understood what it's like to have my drug of choice everywhere.

Today I went to the grocery store. My goal - no junk food. I went aisle through aisle, choosing fruits and whole wheat pasta. In the ice cream aisle I stared longingly at Ben & Jerry's and then chocolate chip cookie sandwiches (the same culprit that made me gain the Freshman 30). At that moment I could be strong, I grabbed some fruit popsicles and moved on.

Then - DOVE chocolates. I pictured myself going home, downing the whole bag. Another strong moment, I moved on.

If only that was the end. Headed to the checkout I saw smaller bags of DOVE chocolates sitting on an end cap. Again, I actually had to talk myself through it, tell myself I would not be buying them.

As if that's not enough. Then I had to stand in a checkout line for at least 10 minutes starring at the new MnM's with Pretzels.

I walked out of the Walmart with no chocolate treats. A little accomplishment that was not easy. Eacill h time I saw something high in calories and totally bad for me - I had to tell myself why I wasn't going to buy it. I had to tell myself I would not be able to eat just one or two. Today was especially hard for me. I cannot believe I had that much will power to say no over and over again. But I'm glad I did. Now I'm sitting at home surrounded by only healthy food. That means it will be a bigger deal when I do want chocolate - I'll have to get in my car, drive to the store, buy only chocolate - making it more unlikely that I'll do it.

I'd Like to Thank the Academy..

2010-06-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

I got my first blogging award. I'm floored, seriously. Starting an annonymous blog isn't an easy task, especially when my blogging is a little spotty and unpredictable.

Instead of the academy, I'd really like to thank The Binge Diary. I absolutely adore her blog - it is honest and inspiring.

Now, on to the rules of this lovely award.

Rule 1 - Reveal seven things about myself and Rule 2 - pass the award along to seven bloggers I can't live without.

Here are the 7 things:

1 -I'm obsessed with moments in time. I've decided that's the best way to describe it - I love world and U.S. news and collect magazine covers. I also love keeping my personal history by way of a journal and scrapbook. I know, so nerdy.

2 -I love FRIENDS. There will never be another sitcom like it. Priceless, and dare I say - epic.

3 -I only like animals from afar. The smell, the hair, the slobber and teeth - I just can't help it. It's so hard for me to handle animals, I don't trust them.

4 -I'm turning out exactly like my parents, in my opinion it's a good thing.

5 -I think Justin Bieber is probably the cutest kid alive. As Tina Fey would say on SNL, "I don't know whether I want to marry him or put him in a stroller and push him around the mall."

6 -I love dancing.

7 -My husband is my best friend. My sister is my second best friend. My mom is my third best friend. Can you say lame?! But I love it.

And about those bloggers ... I only religiously follow 2 bloggers at this point - and one of them gave me this award! So I will have to look around, and I'll give you an update in the coming days.

Day 1- Starting Point

2010-06-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

Instead of going on some crazy crash diet - I've decided to accept a challenge.

It's a challenge to simply eat well and exercise for 60 days. That's only two months. I'm thinking of this as a challenge rather than a diet. After these next 60 days I will continue to eat well and exercise, but I want each of these days to be flawless. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I can do anything.

You may think expecting myself to be perfect is committing to failure, but it's not. Eating flawlessly doesn't mean I won't eat cake at my best friend's wedding on July 30th. It also doesn't mean I'll skip chicken wings on the 4th of July. Being flawless means I won't eat chocolate everyday, it means I'll work out five times a week... and there will be no mistakes. My definition of a mistake - something that is not planned. If a co-worker brings donuts five times over the next two weeks for all the summer birthdays.. I'll pass. But if I go camping, I'll set aside calories for s'mores. It's all about planning ahead and portioning out my calories for special events. Eating sugar or salty snacks does not have to be and shouldn't be a daily event.

I've decided I can do the next sixty days as long as I plan ahead. I will simply portion out calories for a cake on July 30th and plan for movie theater popcorn calories on June 30th (yes I will be watching Eclipse on the silver screen).

Today's the end of day 1 - and I've accomplished the first day.
30 min. on the treadmill
692 calories (I worked overnight tonight... so the calories are low. I worked from 11 p.m. - 8 a.m. and am now going to bed. I'm missing lunch, but my calorie count will be at a more reasonable level tomorrow.)

"Friending" my Body

2010-06-15T06:34:00.000-07:00

So last week I tried to 'friend' mybody. You know - listen to my body, instead of counting calories or points. I've been thinking of my body as a facebook friend, waiting to hear it update "Body is hungry." The only problem - I am always, I mean always, hungry. It does not matter what I eat, I'm still hungry a little bit later.

I've heard that your stomach grows and shrinks to how much you're eating. If I listen to my body without counting calories and my stomach is big right now - doesn't that mean I'm going to be stuffing it with more food each day? But if I count calories for a week or two, and then go on to friend my body, maybe it will work better because my stomach will be smaller... maybe?

Writing

2010-06-09T12:40:00.000-07:00

I'm not hungry, but I can't top thinking about eating.

I have no idea why. According to my Husband (NA member), I'm supposed to just write. Ahh.... write about what? I'm just trying to do everything I can to avoid stuffing more treats down my throat. Ah!

I have no idea what's giving me this feeling... am I avoiding something? Maybe just the everyday stresses of life? I'm not sure... just sitting here - thinking of food.

Ah, so much for writing. I need ice cream.

"It's New, It's Wacky."

2010-06-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

"It's New, It's Wacky." I actually said that outloud to myself just moments ago.

Here's why:

I am starving. Starving. (At least I got to this point, right?) I'm in the process of making lunch - I'm baking a tortilla and am going to cover it with refried beans, salad and tomatoes. Well, baking a tortilla can take a whopping 5 minutes - and I am hungry right now.

So I threw the tortilla in the oven and walked to the cabinet and grabbed a 90 cal. snack. When I finished that, I opened the fridge. There I grabbed a string cheese. Before opening the package, I threw it back down and said outloud, to myself, "I'm making lunch. I'm not going to eat this." This is where the post title comes in, I joked to myself (outloud), "It's new, it's wacky" I can wait for my lunch.

Whoop, whoop. One tiny little challenge down. (too bad I didn't make that decision before the first snack. Oh well, work in progress.)

Saying No

2010-06-04T15:08:00.000-07:00

I usually work 12:00 a.m. to 10 a.m. writing news for T.V. This afternoon, before going to bed I checked my voice mail. - a message from my direct boss. He was asking me to come in tomorrow from 10 a.m. to 11:30 p.m. instead. The only problem - I legitimately cannot do it.

Tomorrow is my only day to get a major task done. I can't on Sunday because the place I have to go will be closed and by Monday it will be too late.

My response to the voice mail - anger, anger that he would expect me to change my plans for his at last minute. sadness, sadness because I can't do it. helplessness, because I feel like I'm supposed, like I have to.

I felt so bad that I could not do it. It's not my fault I can't do it - I have things I have to do outside of work. I don't work on-call, I can't be prepared to go into work at any moment of the day. Why do I feel so bad? I feel awful - like I've caused this huge problem because I can't change my entire day.

The only reason I'm blogging about this now is because of Oprah. Of course, Oprah. A couple of weeks ago her show was dedicated to the book Women, Food, and God. During the course of the interview, Oprah admitted to feeling the need to eat after saying 'no' to someone. She connected the feeling to her relationship with her dad as a child, never wanting to disappoint him. I thought nothing of it at the time - not until I had the similar urge to eat today. I felt so guilty for saying no. I felt like I had done something wrong. I hate letting people down (whether or not they care about me).

Unlike Oprah, I don't think my issue with saying no stems from a desire to please my dad. I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm obsessed with being perfect. I want to be some kind of superwoman, flying around fixing everyone's problems and writing their newscasts. If saying no makes me not perfect, how about I do something else that makes me not perfect -- eat.

Never Happy Syndrome

2010-06-04T13:29:00.000-07:00

I have never-happy syndrome.
No matter what life throws my way - I never want it.

The grass is always greener, always.

Let the Binging Begin..

2010-06-03T18:09:00.000-07:00

Today I was trying to remember where my binge-eating began. It started way after I developed an unhealthy relationship with food.

There are a handful of minor binges, before the real problem began. My first binge happened freshman year of high school. I wouldn't even really call it binge eating because it doesn't even come close to what I did later. My first intentional binge came before weighing in at my first Weight Watchers meeting. I scarfed down two drumstick ice cream cones... but just wait.

It wasn't until two summers later that I began a spiral that would last another six years. That summer I started the Atkins diet. It was such a success - the first week I lost several pounds. I made it to 145 pounds before my senior year of high school started.

If you're reading this you've probably tried every diet imaginable like myself - so you know how Atkins works. Basically, you have to get to ketosis, the stage where your body burns fat for fuel. It takes about two to three days of eating nothing but proteins to get there.

A couple months into my senior year I discovered I could eat a carb here and there and rebound with a quick trip to Ketosis. But then - came one of the worst habit-forming discoveries yet. On Friday nights, after cheering for our football team I could eat anything I saw and gain about 5 pounds. The next day I could continue eating everything, to gain a total of 10 pounds. When Sunday rolled around, I would re-start Atkins, get into Ketosis by Tuesday or Wednesday and lose the 10 pounds by Friday (the next time I had to get into my cheerleading outfit).

I don't think I've ever admitted this - to anyone. I'm still not really admitting it on this anonymous blog - but I did that every. single. week. Ten pounds up, ten pounds down.

Eventually the eating got out of control. When the weekend rolled around I went to the grocery store and blew up to $50 on junk food, food I planned to eat the moment I made it to my car. When I drove out of the grocery store parking lot I even stopped by the Wendy's to grab an order of fries.

Of the several days I did this - I remember one in particular. I stopped by a park on my way home. There I sat in my car and began unloading my grocery bag:

-French Bread
-Donuts
-Fried Chicken
-Potato Wedges
-Doritos
-Pre-made Cookie Dough
-Ben & Jerry's Half Baked Ice Cream
-Wendy's french fries

I sat in my car eating, eating, and eating. Sometimes when I did this I would cry, but not this time. I just ate. I didn't think about how each thing tasted. In fact, I don't even like donuts. I just stuffed it down my mouth like I was the garbage disposal in my kitchen. I just sat there, eating, void of emotion. There was nothing wrong. I was just eating.

I finished with everything I could possibly stuff down my throat and threw the ~~evidence~~ leftovers away. That's when it hit me I had eaten thousands of calories, thousands. But the best part - I had something new to worry about, not what was going on in my life - but the calories I had just consumed.

I've always been outspoken about alcoholism... and have always found it easy to criticize people who "drink their sorrows away" and people who "run away from their problems by drinking." Now I realize, I was doing that -- just without the alcohol. I was doing that with food.

It's been quite some time since I've had a binge like that one. Now they're smaller - they usually consist of a bag of Dove chocolates and another bag of Reese's Peanut Butter cups. Does the fact that it's smaller make it okay? Absolutely not. I'm working on it. I think admitting I have a problem specifically with binging is the first step.

First step - check.

Picture This

2010-06-02T13:24:00.000-07:00

I realized I was fat when I was in 3rd grade when running through the sprinklers in the backyard suddenly became a lot less fun. But it wasn't until my Freshman year in high school that I realized other people saw me as fat.

I had a group of friends that I hung out with in the library every morning. I was new to the group (because I was new to the school) and I was the only freshman. I had minor crushes on two of the boys in the group - I'll call them Michael and Matt. They were both juniors and best friends.

One early morning I walked into the library and took my usual seat at the long table. There was some commotion over a piece of paper that had just been crushed into a ball. I ultimately got a hold of it. I slowly opened the paper to reveal a picture of me. It was drawn by good-old Matt. I'll never forget the image on the picture. I kept it through high school and looked at it to remind myself that I was fat and ugly.

I was only 160 pounds, but when Matt looked at me he saw someone closer to 300 pounds. At least that's what his picture depicted. The most obvious part of the picture was the center - the stomach. The drawing showed my belly busting out of my too-small shirt and over my pants. My legs were probably 5 times their actual size in this picture. My neck couldn't be seen because of the multiple chins coming from my head. My arms were the same reaching in front of my body with my chubby-fingers touching. I can't remember what it said on my t-shirt. I'm glad I can't remember - it was something like FAT (my name). The words were capitalized.

That was ten years ago, but today I'm crying as if I saw the picture for the first time just minutes ago.

I remember pulling the picture out years after the incident to show my mom. She asked me why I still had it. I couldn't answer her. I threw it away not to long after that. But I can't emotionally and mentally throw it away. When I think of myself I still picture that fat girl, that fat girl I never was.

Avoiding the Truth

2010-06-01T15:00:00.000-07:00

At the core of every addiction there is some kind of issue. We all know that - we've watched it on "The Biggest Loser" the addiction shows on History and TLC.

Sometimes it's death. Sometimes it's relationships with your parent. Sometimes it's a huge event that changes your life. I don't have that - at least I don't have anything obvious.

I don't know what is fueling my need to eat. Growing up my life was easy. I moved every couple of years, but always made friends fairly easily. I had four younger siblings - we all got along. My parents showed their love for each other and to us.

As an adult my life has followed suite. I mean there have been a few hiccups here and there, but nothing that screams "this is why you're eating!"

I've heard every time you eat when you're not hungry you're burying something. I just want to know what it is I can't face.

Just 90 Minutes

2010-05-20T13:10:00.000-07:00

When I get home I sit down on my couch with lunch and turn on my DVR. I watch about an hour of shows and will sometimes throw in a movie. When I'm done with my lunch I head to the kitchen to grab another snack. It's a vicious cycle that lasts the entire 2 1/2 hours of time in front of the TV.

I would even go so far to call my watching TV a "trigger" to using (in other words, eating). Addicts have triggers -- whether it be a smoker lighting up every time they get in their car or an alcoholic heading to the bar because of a stressful day.

Today I'm starting with a challenge to get through the entire movie I jut popped in the DVD player without food. To be completely honest, as I wrote that last sentence I thought about what was in the kitchen cupboards. It was just a flash in my brain that started with watching a movie and ended with my eating popcorn. But I can't give in today. I will beat this, at least for the next 90 minutes.

Resurrecting a Diet

2010-05-19T15:32:00.000-07:00

"You can't resurrect a diet on a Friday afternoon, it's crazy." Doug Heffernan, King of Queens

I just sat down to my usual afternoon dose of King of Queens when I heard this joke. Not only hilarious, but right on time.

Last week my diet began without a hitch. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - all perfect days. Three days in a row is quite an accomplishment ten years into my dieting. But then there was Thursday.

On Thursday my husband's truck broke down and I had to pick him up right after work, which means I was starving. When I arrived, he hopped into the passenger seat and greeted me with some Cinnamon Roll/Muffin-things with cream cheese frosting. Of course being more hungry than I've ever been, I ate one.

The amazing thing was, I didn't feel chained to that cinnamon roll. That cinnamon roll did not derail my day. Well at least I thought. I felt successful for about 30 minutes when I grabbed a second roll. I then turned to my kitchen for ice cream and chips.

What derailed me? How could I do this?

I let that cinnamon roll destroy me. If I did not have a problem with food I would have been able to eat it without obsessing over the last roll. I'm walking backwards through the process of eating it, trying to figure out what I did wrong.

1 - I thought, I am really hungry. I can eat this cinnamon roll.
2 - Grabbed the treat and peeled a piece off.
3 - When I put it in my mouth I thought about the calories I was slipping into my body
4 - Next piece I thought about the real lunch I would not have
5 - I finished the roll feeling accomplished. I felt that I could truly eat the cinnamon roll without having another. I thought I was done for the day, and that was just that.

Maybe I shouldn't have guilted myself through the process. By the time I finished my delicious baked good, I knew I had broken the laws of my life. It was too late to resurrect my diet. I was a goner, there was nothing I could do to get those calories back. Obviously that's not a healthy way to think -- I'm going to try to stop feeling guilty and start tuning into my body. Wish me luck!

By the way, an average cinnamon roll costs about 223 calories according to calorieking.com. Keeping that in mind, I could have had the treat and still had plenty of calories to finish my day. This was a mental block, one I am trying to overcome.

The Perfect Life

2010-05-13T15:59:00.000-07:00

My first vision of perfection came when I was a tween. It came after a week with my extended family celebrating Thanksgiving on the beach.

Each day leading up to the holiday my cousins, sister, and I ran in and out of the warm Mexico waters. It was so much fun - except for one little thing - I was huge, at least in my mind. All week long I had time to compare my legs to my sister's stick-skinny legs. I had calculated, they must have been at least four-times the size and she's only two years younger! I thought about my stomach - the roll that spilled over my pants every time I sat down. My thin cousin, also two years younger, didn't have an ounce of fat on her tummy. Even my older aunt was skinnier than me!

Finally, Thanksgiving came. I stuffed my mouth full of turkey, potatoes, and rolls. With each bite I could feel myself growing even more - my ankles turning to calves, my arms developing the underarm flab, and my chin jutting out to hide my neck. I then ditched the dinner table, grabbed a couple rolls and went to the second floor balcony of my grandma's vacation home. There I ate my homemade rolls crying. I looked out into the darkness and up at the stars thinking about how my life would never get better, how I could never have a perfect life if I didn't lose weight.

The next day we drove out of Mexico. While I was sitting in my family's car I began thinking about what I would look like if I were perfect. I had this vision, I'm wearing a red skirt - I step out of the car to reveal my tan, thin, and slightly muscular thighs. It may seem weird or silly, but that image has stuck with me for the last 10+ years. I've never had those dream thighs. I've thought about them, oh how I've thought about them. But at the end of each day, I'm still walking on my white, pasty, big, muscular thighs.

While grocery shopping today I saw this woman. Nothing really special about her appearance - sandy brown hair (kind of muddy looking), a few rolls (more than the one's I hate myself for), aging skin. Yet, somehow I stood in the Walmart grocery line envying this woman for what she did have, what appeared to be the perfect life. She had three little kids, all under the age of 5, helping her unload and re-load her full-grocery cart. Meantime, her husband was praising their every effort and talking to the woman about the minutia of grocery shopping -- where the bread was so it wouldn't get smashed and where the frozenables were so they wouldn't melt. It may not sound perfect to some people, but to me I stood in awe... watching the couple working in perfect rhythm with eachother, loving their time together. Not to mention her well-behaved cutie-pies who put down the candy the moment their she said "not this time." I wanted to lean over to the woman and say, "You are so lucky."

Today I realized, perfect isn't about what you look like. Perfect isn't about your chizled abs, or sculpted biceps. Perfect, the perfect life is about being happy. I can't possibly be happy if I tell myself I am less of a person because my thighs will never be the dream-thighs of my tweens. My life is good - great husband, wonderful home, amazing family, steady job. Just because I'm not Kate Beckinsale at the moment, doesn't mean I'm not perfect. I have the perfect life.

Not the Last Goodbye

2010-05-12T16:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I made a cake. It was my last cake. Yesterday, I decided that I would eat the last piece of cake of my life. Yes, that's right. Forget the 60 birthdays I have coming up. Forget my husband's 60 birthday cakes. Right there alone -- I'm committing to foregoing 120 birthday cake opportunities. Plus, my future kids' birthdays and celebrations. There are so many cakes in my near future that I can't even count them on one hand. (2 weddings, the top layer of my wedding cake, court of honor, and graduations.) I can't even begin to imagine how many cakes I will see throughout the rest of my life. That's why it's even more unbelievable that I would make such an insane goal. A goal to never eat cake again.

Ummm... what? How can I possibly skip thousands of cakes in my future? With a goal like that I am simply setting myself up to fail. I'm asking to lose at this game, to feel like a loser, to feel I can't do it.

Today, I had a piece of cake. (yes, a piece of cake after what was supposed to be last piece). It was so delicious that I wanted to eat the entire cake. As I took my fork to grab another piece I thought, wait, I can have this again. I can have another piece tomorrow. I can have another piece any day I want. I threw the fork in the sink and my never-ending battle with the cake was over, at least for today.

Now, I've made a new goal. A goal to have cake anytime I want. I will never have a reason to eat a whole cake - not even 2 or 3 slices. Next time there won't be an end in sight - and I will be happy with one piece because I will know there are other pieces in my future.

I never have to say goodbye.

Who Am I Without Food?

2010-04-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

I'm really good at losing 8 pounds - I mean really good. I've done it dozens of times - a couple times this year alone.

Here's what happens:
Day 1 I weigh in at 163 pounds. One week later, 159 pounds.

I keep going with daily exercise routines, counting calories and 8 hours of sleep. But then, insert my biggest roadblock. I'm not talking about a plateau, if only it could be a plateau. My roadblock to losing weight is losing weight. Every time I hit or come near 155 pounds I lose my mind. Seeing a 155 on the scale is my cue to scoop in the calories. I eat, eat, and eat some more until finally, a week later I am back at 163 pounds. The cycle starts again.

I used to think I didn't have the willpower to continue dieting and exercising for longer than it took to lose eight pounds. Now I'm realizing I'm thinking like an addict. I've been 163 pounds for as long as I can remember. When I was a freshman in high school I weighed myself (for weight loss) for the first time - I weighed in at 163 pounds.

I've never been skinny. I don't know how to be skinny. I have never weighed myself to see a 140 on the scale. I don't know what it's like. Can I do it? Will I still be funny? Will my husband think I'm attractive? Will people talk about me? Will I look the same? The closer I get to my goal weight, the more scared I get of it. What if I can't be a skinny girl?

Rewind 90-plus days ago. This same conversation went down with my husband. We were in our poorly lit living room (imagine this for affect, trust me), both of us had tear stains on our cheeks, with more tears coming. My husband had already admitted he was addicted to pills. Plans for rehab were already set. The tears were for another confession -- my husband told me he wouldn't be the same person without drugs. He told me prescription drugs had fueled him for the last 4 1/2 years. During the short times he was off them I would apparently complain about him being rude and not loving me. He said he didn't know how to live or work without drugs. He didn't know how to be sweet, sensitive, and loving without them. He even cited a Dr. Phil episode he saw - a recovering addict and his spouse were divorced because the spouse couldn't handle the "new person."

As you can imagine this conversation was terrifying. I sat there listening, wondering if I had made the biggest mistake by getting married just months before. I tried to hold back tears and assure him everything would be fine. (Later I took my insecurities about who my clean husband would be to my mom and in-laws.)

Here's the good news. My life is so much better now. My husband is more perceptive, sweet and loving than ever! He actually remembers to do things like take out the trash. He notices when I'm not feeling well. He doesn't call into work anymore. He's stronger, he's more active, he really cares.

I think part of addiction is thinking you can't live without that specific thing. I can't live without these 20 pounds, my husband thought he couldn't live without drugs. I saw my husband change for the better. Now I will change for the better.

90 Day Key Tag

2010-04-21T15:02:00.000-07:00

My husband got his 90 day key tag on Saturday. That means he's been narcotic-free for 90 days! Congrats to him! Meantime, this may or not surprise you -- I weigh the same as I did when I checked my hubby into rehab.

Ugh.

Think of all I could have accomplished in the last three months.
While my husband was learning to re-think, re-evaluate stress, and re-learn how to communicate-- I've been eating french bread and chocolate chip cookies.

I'm trying to think of what I can do in 90 days. I'm trying to take it one step at a time.

Positive steps today -
I went to the gym, I skipped chocolate at the vending machine, and ate a SlimFast shake with strawberries for lunch!

Just for Today

2010-03-25T15:08:00.000-07:00

"Just for Today I don't have to use again."
That comes from the Narcotics Anonymous program. I love it because it truly puts things into perspective - each day you make a choice. Today you cannot make choices for a year from now, or a month from now -- Today you chose what you will do today.

I am tweaking the phrase to Just for Today I can be healthy.

I get really overwhelmed when I put a number on my weight loss goal. Losing 15 pounds seems near impossible, so instead of focusing on what I want my end result to be, I'm going to focus on today.

Also, when I think ahead I derail myself because of upcoming plans. For instance, I have an Olive Garden lunch planned with a friend next Thursday... it's the perfect excuse to eat crappy from now until then. Instead, I need to plan to eat well today. By the time Thursday gets here, hopefully I can do the same.

Just for today I will stay within my calories goal.
Just for today I will go to the gym.
Just for today I will not go to bed feeling bloated.
Just for today I will not feel like crap.
Just for today I will be successful!

Attempting to Control

2010-03-04T14:55:00.000-08:00

Day 3 of no chocolate.
11 a.m. - I get off work
11:10 a.m. - I drive to Vons
11:12 a.m. - I have a bag of chocolate
11:15 a.m. - I get home and talk to my husband
11:20 a.m. - I tell my husband I must have chocolate, just one piece. He says, "too bad, we don't have any." I reveal my secret stash. He says, "NO." And grabs it from me. (Okay - that may sound like I have a controlling husband, but he's actually trying to help me with my food addiction.)

At this point I beg with my husband, "Let me have just one. Just three. I can have just three, and I won't eat anymore."

That's when he told me about how he tried to control his pill addiction. He says he would quit for small portions of time, but then would realize he needed just one pill to get through the day. He would take that pill... and about a half hour later... he would take just one more. With two under his belt for the day, he would figure the rest of the day was shot and he would just quit the next day. He says every time he tried to quit by controlling his usage he wasn't able to. Addicts cannot control their addiction... hence the word "addict."

I don't think I need to give up chocolate forever, but I do need to be able to control what I am putting in my body. If I can't eat chocolate until I learn how to take care of myself - then fine... that's what I'll do.

It's Just a Kiss

2010-03-03T18:01:00.000-08:00

Just days after my last post (which, by the way I promise to be better about posting) I had started a new diet. It was going to be the time that I quit eating chocolate (among other things.)

On day 2 of my new diet, I was walking from the morning meeting at work when a co-worker offered me a chocolate kiss. I turned the offer down. That's when one of my good friends said, "It's just a kiss." Hmm -- yeah, but...

I am so addicted to food... for me "just a kiss" is like just a drink or just a hit.

One of the people I met in IOP - intensive outpatient - told the group she couldn't imagine not drinking ever again. She said her main goal was to stop drinking as a form of therapy, instead to only drink during social events.

I feel like that, except for with chocolate. How am I ever supposed to give chocolate up? I know in theory I should be able to eat just a kiss and move on with my day. For some reason I can't. For some reason if I eat just a kiss I need a bag of kisses, then I need chips, then I need a cake.

I have no control - and until I gain control I need to quit kisses.

I'm a Food Addict

2010-02-09T17:58:00.000-08:00

Three weeks ago I checked my husband into rehab for a prescription pain pill addiction, but it wasn't until today that I realized I have my own problem - I am a food addict.

Today was my "Monday." You know what I'm talking about -- the new day, the day to start a brand new diet. I woke up and started my day off with 1 c. of Special K and 1/2 c. of 1% milk. Yay me! No problem here... until three hours later. That's when I devoured 12 chocolate chip cookies in less than an hour. The day didn't go much better from there - my thoughts were preoccupied with cookies, Cheetos and french bread.

My husband had a Narcotics Anonymous meeting at 4:30 p.m., but it was around 2 p.m. I started thinking about what I would eat when he left. My options - In 'n Out? But I thought, no, not enough calories, hmmm... Jack n' the Boxes curly fries? No, they'll leave a weird smell in my car and my husband will be able to detect it. Yes, I actually thought that. I thought about my options for about two and half hours until my husband left. When I couldn't see his truck from the front window anymore I ran to my car and headed to the grocery store. On my way there it hit me - I had to have those frosting-covered elephant cookies.

Fast forward about a half hour - I have the cookies. I'm sitting in my car, eating my first one. It wasn't good. In fact, it was gross and almost instantly hurt my stomach. Ugh. Now here's the shocker - I kept eating. While driving home I stuffed several handfulls in my mouth. Sitting in my living room I followed suit.

Finally, I put down the 14 oz. bag of cookies. I hadn't finished off the bag... now here's where the addiction part comes in. I went to the garbage can in my kitchen to throw away the half-eaten bag. My husband will see this when he comes home. So I moved to my next idea - taking it outside to the dumpster...nah, too cold. All of a sudden I found myself frantically running around the house looking for places to hide my bag of cookies... considering the same places I had searched for my husband's pain pills just three weeks ago: under the couch, under the sink, behind the dresser, in the closet, in a box of uneaten cupcakes. Finally I settled on beneath the bed.

Over the last three weeks I've been attending addiction meetings to support my husband. Now more than ever, I'm realizing he's not the only one with a problem. Yeah, maybe I won't kill myself by popping one too many elephant cookies tonight, but it is something that could chop ten years from my life if I continue living this way.

That is why tonight, I am starting a new (that's right, I am not waiting for a "Monday" or a new day. I am starting right in the middle of this one.) Join me in my Calorie Rehab journey... you'll hear about my recovery... in relation to my husbands' and hopefully learn about how you can change your life a little bit.

Weigh-Ins

2009-07-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

Goal 140 lbs

Total Weight Loss -10.2 lbs

9.13 - 156.0 (+1.2)
9.6 - 154.8 (-.2
8.30 - 155.0 (-2.2)

8.23 - 157.2 (+3)
8.16 - 154.2 (-3)
8.9 - 157.2 (+.8)
8.2 - 156.4 (+1)
7.26 - 155.4 ( -1.6)
7.19 - 157.0 (-3.8)

7.12 - 160.8 (+1.4)

6.29 - 159.4 (-3.4)

6.2 - 162.8 lbs. (+.2)

5.25 - 162.6 lbs. (-2.4)

5.17 - 165 lbs.

My Awards

2009-07-23T07:51:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all the love you show me! You are all such an encouragement!

from The Binge Diary

From Waisting Time

From Confessions of a (Recovering) Compulsive Eater & Low Stress Weight Loss